Disagreement is good. Healthy, even. But there are ways to do it that can help take the disagreement in a constructive direction instead of leaving a wake of destruction, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings.
1. Make sure you heard correctly.
Restating what you heard or paraphrasing can ensure you’re responding to the right thing, just in case there’s any room for interpretation or misconstrued words. For instance, saying “So if I understand you right, you’re saying that we should always moderate comments on corporate blogs?” can help frame your response.
2. Ask Questions Instead of Retorting
The limitations of things like Twitter and email mean that you’re interpreting what’s often a brief message, sans body language, inflection, or gestures of any kind. One way to dig deeper is to ask a question instead of offering a flippant response.
For example, instead of saying “yeah, but Democrats always do that, too”, perhaps you could ask someone, amidst their rant, “Do you think that behavior is unique to a political party?”. It drives the discussion forward and raises a point without pointing fingers.
3. Depersonalize.
This seems like common sense, but sadly, it isn’t. There’s littered evidence of it everywhere.
We are so very quick to presume that a disagreement with our statement or our point of view is somehow a disagreement with us as a person. It’s up to us on BOTH sides of a discussion to try and take the personal out of it.
When your’e the one disagreeing, be respectful and argue your point, but keep your disagreement to the statements and subjects at hand. When you’re being disagreed WITH, have the grace and humility to understand that the discussion is about a topic, not you personally. And in the case when it IS a personal discussion, take it elsewhere. No one needs to see you slinging mud at each other in public.
4. Read, read, and read again.
I see it happen all the time on Twitter and in blog comments. We read what we think we’re seeing, based on preformed expectations, and we don’t really READ. I can’t tell you how many times comments left on my blog and those of others are crabby, but miss the point entirely (and points that were far from hidden).
If you’re going to take to the pulpit, invest the time to read what you’re reacting to without bias, slowly and thoroughly, and really absorb the points being made. Walk away for a time if you have to. When in doubt, see #1.
5. Call a Truce
Sometimes, you’re at an impasse. You simply don’t agree. And that is perfectly fine (even a good thing, if we’re to thrive as a species).
So do the gentlmanly or ladylike thing, shake hands, and agree to disagree. No harm, no foul. What a boring world it would be if we were a bit vat of homogenized thought. Conversation escalating to a clearly destructive place? Sometimes calling a truce is simply walking away.
If disagreement is where some of the good stuff happens, we’d all do well to get better at it, yes? I’d love to hear some of your techniques and takes on handling disagreement in the comments.
Your third point, “depersonalize,” seems to be a major stumbling block in many disagreements. Those of us in the business of writing, designing or creating any sort of communication for an audience often share our work for critique with peers, supervisors, impromptu sounding boards, etc., before the work goes public. We need to understand that critiques of our work are not critiques of us as people. As a supervisor of creatives, I like to share a chapter from Natalie Goldberg’s book Writing Down the Bones (it’s called “You Are Not the Poem”) that neatly summarizes the attitude of humility we should have in accepting criticism. Although Goldberg’s audience consists of creative writers, the message of that chapter applies to other fields as well.
If I were to add anything, I guess it would be, “Avoid escalated email exchanges.” By that I mean, if you are criticized via email, don’t fire off a response. Maybe it would be better to pick up the phone — or better yet, talk one on one. And if you’re the critiquer, think twice before firing off an email salvo. Maybe a face-to-face talk would be better. Email messages can be so easily misinterpreted.
.-= Andrew Careaga´s last blog ..The big payoff =-.
Your third point, “depersonalize,” seems to be a major stumbling block in many disagreements. Those of us in the business of writing, designing or creating any sort of communication for an audience often share our work for critique with peers, supervisors, impromptu sounding boards, etc., before the work goes public. We need to understand that critiques of our work are not critiques of us as people. As a supervisor of creatives, I like to share a chapter from Natalie Goldberg’s book Writing Down the Bones (it’s called “You Are Not the Poem”) that neatly summarizes the attitude of humility we should have in accepting criticism. Although Goldberg’s audience consists of creative writers, the message of that chapter applies to other fields as well.
If I were to add anything, I guess it would be, “Avoid escalated email exchanges.” By that I mean, if you are criticized via email, don’t fire off a response. Maybe it would be better to pick up the phone — or better yet, talk one on one. And if you’re the critiquer, think twice before firing off an email salvo. Maybe a face-to-face talk would be better. Email messages can be so easily misinterpreted.
.-= Andrew Careaga´s last blog ..The big payoff =-.
Timing is perfect.
After reading this blog, I reached out to someone via DM who I thought had written about me in a blog and didn’t think he was being fair. I was just going to let it die but then I read this post. After sending him a message for clarification, it turns out he was referring to someone else. Had it not been for this post, I’m not sure I would have reached out and I would have been mistaken forever.
Lesson 1 – Make sure you heard correctly
Thanks for helping me through all my issues. 🙂
.-= David Benjamin´s last blog ..Is Your Message Being Lost? =-.
Timing is perfect.
After reading this blog, I reached out to someone via DM who I thought had written about me in a blog and didn’t think he was being fair. I was just going to let it die but then I read this post. After sending him a message for clarification, it turns out he was referring to someone else. Had it not been for this post, I’m not sure I would have reached out and I would have been mistaken forever.
Lesson 1 – Make sure you heard correctly
Thanks for helping me through all my issues. 🙂
.-= David Benjamin´s last blog ..Is Your Message Being Lost? =-.
@Amber – You make some excellent points. I’ve found technique #2 (asking questions) to be highly effective. If your goal is just to be right, by all means give whatever response you want. But if your goal is to persuade, asking questions is much more effective. It helps your discussion partner connect the dots and also puts the pressure back on them to prove the claims they make. If someone makes a claim you are trying to dispute, they should be responsible for proving it true. By spouting off a counter argument, you take the burden back on yourself to prove that it is false.
@Andrew – As a writer, I agree face-to-face critiques are almost always easier to digest than those that come via email. There are so many ways an email can be interpreted and writers have vivid imaginations!
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..“You should’ve seen it in color” – Picture 10 =-.
@Amber – You make some excellent points. I’ve found technique #2 (asking questions) to be highly effective. If your goal is just to be right, by all means give whatever response you want. But if your goal is to persuade, asking questions is much more effective. It helps your discussion partner connect the dots and also puts the pressure back on them to prove the claims they make. If someone makes a claim you are trying to dispute, they should be responsible for proving it true. By spouting off a counter argument, you take the burden back on yourself to prove that it is false.
@Andrew – As a writer, I agree face-to-face critiques are almost always easier to digest than those that come via email. There are so many ways an email can be interpreted and writers have vivid imaginations!
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..“You should’ve seen it in color” – Picture 10 =-.
Seriously. The “retort” is learned from sensationalistic journalism/media outlets that have to fill hours and hours and hours of making drama out of nothing. It’s something we’ve learned because we pump it into our homes every day. Everyone’s a wise guy. Love it, A.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..The Achievement Dilemma =-.
Seriously. The “retort” is learned from sensationalistic journalism/media outlets that have to fill hours and hours and hours of making drama out of nothing. It’s something we’ve learned because we pump it into our homes every day. Everyone’s a wise guy. Love it, A.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..The Achievement Dilemma =-.
Thanks, Amber.
Your second point hits home for me. In disagreements, I always look to further the discussion using questions and follow up. I find engaging with others through questions lowers tension and moves the conversation forward. In many cases, the disagreement moves to a discussion about ideas and where we agree and where we don’t see it the same way without creating an en passe to a resolution.
Thanks, Amber.
Your second point hits home for me. In disagreements, I always look to further the discussion using questions and follow up. I find engaging with others through questions lowers tension and moves the conversation forward. In many cases, the disagreement moves to a discussion about ideas and where we agree and where we don’t see it the same way without creating an en passe to a resolution.
Great post. One tactic for making sure you heard correctly and asking questions is to define your terms and to ask your interlocutor to define hers. Many bitter arguments are based on differing conceptions and definitions.
Another tactic for depersonalizing things is to focus on “the advantageous” – in other words, what’s the best move forward from here, rather than focusing on blame or tribalism.
– Jeff
Great post. One tactic for making sure you heard correctly and asking questions is to define your terms and to ask your interlocutor to define hers. Many bitter arguments are based on differing conceptions and definitions.
Another tactic for depersonalizing things is to focus on “the advantageous” – in other words, what’s the best move forward from here, rather than focusing on blame or tribalism.
– Jeff
Thanks Amber – great post.
Many times people speak before really listening and understanding what was intended to be said. Make sure you heard correctly – listen, restate what you heard and ensure it is depersonalized.
Thanks Amber – great post.
Many times people speak before really listening and understanding what was intended to be said. Make sure you heard correctly – listen, restate what you heard and ensure it is depersonalized.
Great points Amber. I think that body language and tone are equally important. Saying the right things without your actions or tone to back it up will lead to destructive sarcasm or an arrogant disposition. Neither of which lend themselves to healthy civil disagreement. Respect has to be woven throughout.
Summer
@summerjoy
Great points Amber. I think that body language and tone are equally important. Saying the right things without your actions or tone to back it up will lead to destructive sarcasm or an arrogant disposition. Neither of which lend themselves to healthy civil disagreement. Respect has to be woven throughout.
Summer
@summerjoy
It’s interesting to me that many wind up in easily avoidable disagreements as a direct result of the need to be right. The need to be right will often lead to an unwillingness to listen, generalized statements, and quick (un-educated) judgments.
I try to pause before responding. The more I am willing to listen, the less emotional my response will be. Great post!
It’s interesting to me that many wind up in easily avoidable disagreements as a direct result of the need to be right. The need to be right will often lead to an unwillingness to listen, generalized statements, and quick (un-educated) judgments.
I try to pause before responding. The more I am willing to listen, the less emotional my response will be. Great post!
Number 2 is very smart. It is not a tactic I think I apply with any regularity and I’m certain it is not top of mind when engaging in a contentious dialogue. But I think that’s why I’m singling it out. Killer post Amber, but #2 struck me as a painless go-to that frankly escapes me much of the time. I’m so eager sometimes to gain respect I think that I don’t take the time to slowly engage. And this post does a nice job of reminding me that the content of my position is what will earn me respect, not the speed with which I’m stating my case, nor the noise I’m making pleading it. Kudos Amber. This was a nice train ride home treat!
.-= Scott Dailey´s last blog ..scottpdailey: Video: Matt Cutts Explains "Canonical Tag" from Google, Yahoo, and Microsoft http://bit.ly/aPZaAv =-.
Number 2 is very smart. It is not a tactic I think I apply with any regularity and I’m certain it is not top of mind when engaging in a contentious dialogue. But I think that’s why I’m singling it out. Killer post Amber, but #2 struck me as a painless go-to that frankly escapes me much of the time. I’m so eager sometimes to gain respect I think that I don’t take the time to slowly engage. And this post does a nice job of reminding me that the content of my position is what will earn me respect, not the speed with which I’m stating my case, nor the noise I’m making pleading it. Kudos Amber. This was a nice train ride home treat!
.-= Scott Dailey´s last blog ..scottpdailey: Video: Matt Cutts Explains "Canonical Tag" from Google, Yahoo, and Microsoft http://bit.ly/aPZaAv =-.
It can be helpful to take a step back, particularly if something initiates an immediate emotional response. Don’t respond immediately–think it over. Then you’re responding with your head rather than your emotions. It prevents escalation, contributes to depersonalization, and keeps you from making an ass of yourself.
The trick sometimes is debating the subject, not the person on the other end. The person isn’t the important part unless and until you become personally and emotionally invested. And once they become a person to you, then rules of civility SHOULD (but don’t always) apply.
It can be helpful to take a step back, particularly if something initiates an immediate emotional response. Don’t respond immediately–think it over. Then you’re responding with your head rather than your emotions. It prevents escalation, contributes to depersonalization, and keeps you from making an ass of yourself.
The trick sometimes is debating the subject, not the person on the other end. The person isn’t the important part unless and until you become personally and emotionally invested. And once they become a person to you, then rules of civility SHOULD (but don’t always) apply.
This is a great post and a great reminder for simple business communication. It is so easy to take the typed or written word out of context, especially when we are looking through the lens of “our” moment. It is also so easy and impersonal just to fire back at an email, tweet, or other asynchronous form of communication without considering the implications of the message. Humans are funny creatures and we dive through so much media daily, so we have to be respectful of others time and position. I fall victim to this all the time, wanting to respond without thinking it though. I have to remind myself, I should type what I would say in-person to that individual. Empowering people rather than degrading someone gets you so much further.
BTW…I am glad I subscribed! This is a great read!
BR
.-= Bobby Rettew´s last blog ..HTML5, VP8, H264 – What is all this video stuff? =-.
This is a great post and a great reminder for simple business communication. It is so easy to take the typed or written word out of context, especially when we are looking through the lens of “our” moment. It is also so easy and impersonal just to fire back at an email, tweet, or other asynchronous form of communication without considering the implications of the message. Humans are funny creatures and we dive through so much media daily, so we have to be respectful of others time and position. I fall victim to this all the time, wanting to respond without thinking it though. I have to remind myself, I should type what I would say in-person to that individual. Empowering people rather than degrading someone gets you so much further.
BTW…I am glad I subscribed! This is a great read!
BR
.-= Bobby Rettew´s last blog ..HTML5, VP8, H264 – What is all this video stuff? =-.
Amber,
This is a great post. #2 struck me especially…it reminds me of making “I statements”: when you say things like “I am confused by that statement” instead of “you aren’t making any sense.” I struggle personally with #3 and suspect if I train myself better on #2 it may help me overcome that very strong urge to personalize.
Thanks for the post!
Amber,
This is a great post. #2 struck me especially…it reminds me of making “I statements”: when you say things like “I am confused by that statement” instead of “you aren’t making any sense.” I struggle personally with #3 and suspect if I train myself better on #2 it may help me overcome that very strong urge to personalize.
Thanks for the post!
Comment number 2, alone, made this post worth reading. Hopefully, my next go around with those I disagree with will prove more persuasive. Thanks for the insight.
Comment number 2, alone, made this post worth reading. Hopefully, my next go around with those I disagree with will prove more persuasive. Thanks for the insight.
Glad you wrote this tactful and well structured post on disagreement, A. This issues been running in my mind this past week in watching several mud-slinging fests over a truly nonsensical issue – that’s where No. 3 really comes into play.
It’s tricky for people because of how personally involved we’ve become with one another online. When someone you know disagrees with you or with a topic that’s close to heart, it’s important to remember your 3rd bullet point (and even 4th) and to try to learn from one another before succumbing to bashing/name-calling, which sadly is what I see happen majority of the time.
Whether business related or personal, try to empower each other with new views/opinions and grow from the disagreement, even if its inevitable path is a truce.
Glad you wrote this tactful and well structured post on disagreement, A. This issues been running in my mind this past week in watching several mud-slinging fests over a truly nonsensical issue – that’s where No. 3 really comes into play.
It’s tricky for people because of how personally involved we’ve become with one another online. When someone you know disagrees with you or with a topic that’s close to heart, it’s important to remember your 3rd bullet point (and even 4th) and to try to learn from one another before succumbing to bashing/name-calling, which sadly is what I see happen majority of the time.
Whether business related or personal, try to empower each other with new views/opinions and grow from the disagreement, even if its inevitable path is a truce.
I need to staple this post to my forehead. Thanks for writing this 🙂
I need to staple this post to my forehead. Thanks for writing this 🙂
Good points! On pt #2, some questions do end up sounding like a retort. I guess most disagreements and misunderstandings over the internet comes from not knowing the tone or manner of which a statement is given. We can only guess the intention. Sometimes, a good advice may seem condescending. And it’s true that we take things personally. In any aspect in life, a rejection or disagreement, seems very personal. And we shouldn’t take it personally. Learn to agree to disagree.
Good points! On pt #2, some questions do end up sounding like a retort. I guess most disagreements and misunderstandings over the internet comes from not knowing the tone or manner of which a statement is given. We can only guess the intention. Sometimes, a good advice may seem condescending. And it’s true that we take things personally. In any aspect in life, a rejection or disagreement, seems very personal. And we shouldn’t take it personally. Learn to agree to disagree.