Man, we hedge our bets a great deal. It’s especially obvious online.
I’m not sure when or how we decided that we had to disclaim everything we say personally. Perhaps it’s the litigious world we’ve come to live in, or the over abundance of political “correctness”, but it’s more pervasive than ever, and it’s not a good thing.
When I asked why we insist on using things like IMO (In My Opinion) when buttressing our personal statements, Ryan Wynia was smart to point out that we feel the need to soften the impact of our personal perspective. That drives me a bit nuts.
If the words exit your mouth or keyboard, by default they have your mark on them, even if you’re sharing or restating someone else’s words. It’s like tacit endorsement, unless you’re careful to state otherwise. There are precious few irrefutable facts on the planet. And if you’re merely quoting and actively questioning without agreeing, that’s when you’d better be pretty clear about that, because the default setting in most dialogue is unadulterated and subjective opinion.
So here’s my PSA: Quit pulling your punches.
If you’re going to state something that warrants putting in out there online, own it. Stand on your own two feet. Be prepared to discuss, debate, defend, and listen.
Tagging your statement with “in my opinion” doesn’t soften the blow if you’re being offensive. It doesn’t absolve you of responsibility if your thoughts are controversial, accusatory, or if you’re asserting a position that could incite debate. And if you have something strong and important to say, it simply dilutes your words with a meek little disclaimer that basically says people don’t have to give your thoughts any credence whatsoever.
We do the same thing with “just saying” or “just my .02”. It’s like we’re apologizing for having a stance, and I’m less and less okay with that.
It’s a noisy world out here, full of fluff and pandering and nonsense. I, for one, am asking each of you to be proud of the thoughts you have and share them with confidence. We need your strength of character. The beauty of minds is that they can always be changed. You can change your opinion, too, if you find that your perspective has shifted. And you know what? When that happens, own that, too.
The world is full of ambivalence, of risk mitigation, of qualified statements and milquetoasts and deliberate middle ground. And while I don’t think you need to kick up dirt just for the sake of it, we’d all do well to demonstrate that if we believe our thoughts worthy of public air, we have the courage to take ownership of them, too.
Amber,
You make a good point on a new subject. I think many of us have been way to careful with our communication in hopes of not offending anyone. In person I am much more opinionated and direct. I am going to work hard to transfer this behavior online as well.
Thank you for sharing and making me feel more comfortable about this.
.-= David Benjamin´s last blog ..How to Work With a Recruiter =-.
Amber,
You make a good point on a new subject. I think many of us have been way to careful with our communication in hopes of not offending anyone. In person I am much more opinionated and direct. I am going to work hard to transfer this behavior online as well.
Thank you for sharing and making me feel more comfortable about this.
.-= David Benjamin´s last blog ..How to Work With a Recruiter =-.
Amber, thank you for writing this. I’ve not really considered this before but it makes sense. When I see “IMO” or “just my .02” or any variation of those, I can see how it is often a veiled attempt to be polite while potentially offending.
It’s similar to the bless his/her heart… here in the South. My wife believes (and I tend to agree) that when people use bless his/her heart before saying something, it’s going to be kind of mean. I guess they think by softening the blow with a blessing makes it not as bad than just saying he/she is an idiot.
I especially appreciate the line, “…because the default setting in most dialogue is unadulterated and subjective opinion.”
– @vedo
.-= Richie Escovedo´s last blog ..The Social Media Silver Rule =-.
Amber, thank you for writing this. I’ve not really considered this before but it makes sense. When I see “IMO” or “just my .02” or any variation of those, I can see how it is often a veiled attempt to be polite while potentially offending.
It’s similar to the bless his/her heart… here in the South. My wife believes (and I tend to agree) that when people use bless his/her heart before saying something, it’s going to be kind of mean. I guess they think by softening the blow with a blessing makes it not as bad than just saying he/she is an idiot.
I especially appreciate the line, “…because the default setting in most dialogue is unadulterated and subjective opinion.”
– @vedo
.-= Richie Escovedo´s last blog ..The Social Media Silver Rule =-.
Hi Amber. Thought provoking post.
I don’t agree.
And while I’m not just saying that for the sake of illustration, that little sentence does help show what I mean to point out with my disagreement. Meaning, I fought the urge to write “I don’t completely agree” or “I agree to a point”, which are my actual feelings.
The qualifiers IMO and Just My $.02 (and Just Sayin’, in a more humorous way) make those non-irrefutable facts more your own. And they help you to say, “I understand what you’re saying. Here’s what I’m saying.”
Without them, the implication is often, “You’re wrong and I’m right” which is a hard way to continue the conversation.
Bottom line: Text is messy stuff. I agree with what you’re saying in some instances. Others, I don’t.
.-= bencurnett´s last blog ..5 Reasons You Need A Map =-.
… what he said. 🙂
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
We can disagree. That’s okay. 🙂
Hi Amber. Thought provoking post.
I don’t agree.
And while I’m not just saying that for the sake of illustration, that little sentence does help show what I mean to point out with my disagreement. Meaning, I fought the urge to write “I don’t completely agree” or “I agree to a point”, which are my actual feelings.
The qualifiers IMO and Just My $.02 (and Just Sayin’, in a more humorous way) make those non-irrefutable facts more your own. And they help you to say, “I understand what you’re saying. Here’s what I’m saying.”
Without them, the implication is often, “You’re wrong and I’m right” which is a hard way to continue the conversation.
Bottom line: Text is messy stuff. I agree with what you’re saying in some instances. Others, I don’t.
.-= bencurnett´s last blog ..5 Reasons You Need A Map =-.
… what he said. 🙂
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
We can disagree. That’s okay. 🙂
I don’t know, Amber – I mean, I agree with what you’re saying to a point. But there’s part of this in the exchange of dialogue that is still about civility. “You’ve got your idea, mine is different, and I don’t want to come down sounding harsh about yours, but here’s my opinion and maybe there’s a right way here in the middle somewhere”? Absolutely removing a figure of speech might go too far into the thing you’re trying to avoid in the first place. If I can’t qualify these thoughts as my thoughts, then I’m actually less likely to share them.
IMHO. 🙂
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
When in here did I advocate being harsh? I advocated standing by your thoughts without feeling the need to qualify them every step of the way. And you can most certainly disagree with someone without having to say well, gee, this is just my opinion but…
Of course it’s you’re opinion. You’re saying it. 🙂
You can still be kind and stand firm in what you say without apologizing for having an original thought or a different view.
Maybe it’s something about semantics like Tonja said below. But I’ve come up too many times into conversations where “disagreeing” is an offensible position. Perhaps it’s too much religion and politics here in the Bible belt, but having a different opinion is tantamount to starting the Civil War all over again. Adding “what I’ve found” or “just saying you might want to…” keeps the conversation at a personable level and gives the other person the information while also letting them hold onto the own humble opinions without feeling threatened.
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
It’s very much in how you approach disagreement. Tone and tenor matter, for certain, and it’s not about being obnoxious or swaggering.
My point is simply that stating an opinion is okay. So is disagreeing. I find phrases like IMO redundant an diluting. As Tonja mentions below, phrases like “I think” are obvious. If you’re stating it, you’re thinking it. Are there ways to be sure you’re communicating with taste and tact and even friendliness? Sure.
What I’m reacting to is the trend to apologize for something practically before we’ve said it. It makes us sound like we’re already looking for an out before we say something so we can always back out and say “sorry, didn’t really mean that, was just my opinion.”
In order to learn and establish our own views of the world, we have to find definitive anchor points of thought. I’m committed to making sure that I speak kindly, politely, respectfully, but clearly. Your mileage may vary.
Spot on with this: “What I’m reacting to is the trend to apologize for something practically before we’ve said it.” Totally agree, and in all this, one thing I need to keep addressing in myself. Owning up to it or keeping it to myself, both viable options, are better than waffling through anything like that.
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
Amber – let’s face it: IMO, you’re totally wrong about pulling punches. 😉
.-= John Haydon´s last blog ..How to collect email subscribers on your Facebook Page =-.
I don’t know, Amber – I mean, I agree with what you’re saying to a point. But there’s part of this in the exchange of dialogue that is still about civility. “You’ve got your idea, mine is different, and I don’t want to come down sounding harsh about yours, but here’s my opinion and maybe there’s a right way here in the middle somewhere”? Absolutely removing a figure of speech might go too far into the thing you’re trying to avoid in the first place. If I can’t qualify these thoughts as my thoughts, then I’m actually less likely to share them.
IMHO. 🙂
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
When in here did I advocate being harsh? I advocated standing by your thoughts without feeling the need to qualify them every step of the way. And you can most certainly disagree with someone without having to say well, gee, this is just my opinion but…
Of course it’s you’re opinion. You’re saying it. 🙂
You can still be kind and stand firm in what you say without apologizing for having an original thought or a different view.
Maybe it’s something about semantics like Tonja said below. But I’ve come up too many times into conversations where “disagreeing” is an offensible position. Perhaps it’s too much religion and politics here in the Bible belt, but having a different opinion is tantamount to starting the Civil War all over again. Adding “what I’ve found” or “just saying you might want to…” keeps the conversation at a personable level and gives the other person the information while also letting them hold onto the own humble opinions without feeling threatened.
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
It’s very much in how you approach disagreement. Tone and tenor matter, for certain, and it’s not about being obnoxious or swaggering.
My point is simply that stating an opinion is okay. So is disagreeing. I find phrases like IMO redundant an diluting. As Tonja mentions below, phrases like “I think” are obvious. If you’re stating it, you’re thinking it. Are there ways to be sure you’re communicating with taste and tact and even friendliness? Sure.
What I’m reacting to is the trend to apologize for something practically before we’ve said it. It makes us sound like we’re already looking for an out before we say something so we can always back out and say “sorry, didn’t really mean that, was just my opinion.”
In order to learn and establish our own views of the world, we have to find definitive anchor points of thought. I’m committed to making sure that I speak kindly, politely, respectfully, but clearly. Your mileage may vary.
Spot on with this: “What I’m reacting to is the trend to apologize for something practically before we’ve said it.” Totally agree, and in all this, one thing I need to keep addressing in myself. Owning up to it or keeping it to myself, both viable options, are better than waffling through anything like that.
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.
Amber – let’s face it: IMO, you’re totally wrong about pulling punches. 😉
.-= John Haydon´s last blog ..How to collect email subscribers on your Facebook Page =-.
This is a great post. I often use, just my 2 cents, mostly to display a sense of sharing and not argumentativeness. (is that a word?) But there is no need. As you say, I should share my opinions and ideas and be proud that I have them.
This is a great post. I often use, just my 2 cents, mostly to display a sense of sharing and not argumentativeness. (is that a word?) But there is no need. As you say, I should share my opinions and ideas and be proud that I have them.
I wonder if it’s a case of semantics at times. So often online, people think they are saying one thing and it’s taken in a completely different context by someone else. Then you have the back and forth and “this is what I meant” type of conversation. Then you get gun-shy and try to alleviate those issues with a disclaimer.
But that’s no excuse for not being able to have an opinion. In editing, I work with writers to take out the “I think” from every sentence. If it’s a statement and you stand behind it, then just say it!
I wonder if it’s a case of semantics at times. So often online, people think they are saying one thing and it’s taken in a completely different context by someone else. Then you have the back and forth and “this is what I meant” type of conversation. Then you get gun-shy and try to alleviate those issues with a disclaimer.
But that’s no excuse for not being able to have an opinion. In editing, I work with writers to take out the “I think” from every sentence. If it’s a statement and you stand behind it, then just say it!
I’m going to sidle up to bencurrnet on this one.
While I rarely use these qualifiers I absolutely feel the attraction. For me the lack of nuance in the form, particularly where we are constrained by length, drives the urge. Qualifiers are my attempt to bring you to that place in the conversation where I think you will understand what I am trying to convey.
.-= Jim Alexandfer´s last blog ..Open? Can’t we just call it Facebook Graph? =-.
Then my challenge to you is to stop using the qualifiers as crutches, and hone the craft of writing and communicating in smaller pieces in order to get your point across more effectively in the first place. 🙂
I’m going to sidle up to bencurrnet on this one.
While I rarely use these qualifiers I absolutely feel the attraction. For me the lack of nuance in the form, particularly where we are constrained by length, drives the urge. Qualifiers are my attempt to bring you to that place in the conversation where I think you will understand what I am trying to convey.
.-= Jim Alexandfer´s last blog ..Open? Can’t we just call it Facebook Graph? =-.
Then my challenge to you is to stop using the qualifiers as crutches, and hone the craft of writing and communicating in smaller pieces in order to get your point across more effectively in the first place. 🙂
This is great advice, Amber. I’ve blogged it myself, stated a little differently. Those of us with strong opinions–especially contrarian-leaning ones–have a harder time with this than others. That’s why they call it the “courage of your convictions.” It takes courage. While I recognize the need to be totally candid and own/dfend my opinions, I still sometimes pull the punch a bit. I wish I didn’t. I guess it’s just human nature. On some days your courage levels are higher or lower than others.
Manners and social etiquette may play an interesting role in this. No one notices but it’s like Twitter is some Jane Austen era throwback. You almost expect women’s avatars to have Victorian fans in front of them of the men to have muttonchops and stovepipe hats. I have never used the words “honored to make your acquaintance” to anyone IRL, yet on Twitter people are constantly “honored” by the praise or support of others. I think it’s simultaneously nice, interesting, ironic and hilarious all rolled into one. I think it’s a good sign for the human race that, when thrown into new social situations that have no rules for etiquette, we seem to overcompensate in hopes of not being offensive.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.
This is great advice, Amber. I’ve blogged it myself, stated a little differently. Those of us with strong opinions–especially contrarian-leaning ones–have a harder time with this than others. That’s why they call it the “courage of your convictions.” It takes courage. While I recognize the need to be totally candid and own/dfend my opinions, I still sometimes pull the punch a bit. I wish I didn’t. I guess it’s just human nature. On some days your courage levels are higher or lower than others.
Manners and social etiquette may play an interesting role in this. No one notices but it’s like Twitter is some Jane Austen era throwback. You almost expect women’s avatars to have Victorian fans in front of them of the men to have muttonchops and stovepipe hats. I have never used the words “honored to make your acquaintance” to anyone IRL, yet on Twitter people are constantly “honored” by the praise or support of others. I think it’s simultaneously nice, interesting, ironic and hilarious all rolled into one. I think it’s a good sign for the human race that, when thrown into new social situations that have no rules for etiquette, we seem to overcompensate in hopes of not being offensive.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.
I wonder if the knee-jerk reaction people have to qualifying their opinions in a social media context stems from the long experience many of us have with regular old e-mail communication? I’ve observed that it comes down to the fact that most people are, in reality, terrible writers. That doens’t mean they aren’t good communicators, just that in face-to-face conversations they rely on tone, body language and the response of the people they’re speaking with to guide them. It is accepted that e-mail is meant to be casual (even in business, which is my biggest pet peeve) and people have done away with grammar and punctuation to a maddening degree. Thus, a casual style has become the norm as a way to compensate for the fact that most people don’t know how to write. I’m sure we all have experienced gaffes, some major and some minor, because intentions and tone were not expressed clearly in an e-mail. So we’ve become overly humble to make up for any perceived offense that might arise just because it’s all so badly written. I’m not holding myself up Hemingway or anything, I’m just dismayed by the lack of standards.
– Jessica
I wonder if the knee-jerk reaction people have to qualifying their opinions in a social media context stems from the long experience many of us have with regular old e-mail communication? I’ve observed that it comes down to the fact that most people are, in reality, terrible writers. That doens’t mean they aren’t good communicators, just that in face-to-face conversations they rely on tone, body language and the response of the people they’re speaking with to guide them. It is accepted that e-mail is meant to be casual (even in business, which is my biggest pet peeve) and people have done away with grammar and punctuation to a maddening degree. Thus, a casual style has become the norm as a way to compensate for the fact that most people don’t know how to write. I’m sure we all have experienced gaffes, some major and some minor, because intentions and tone were not expressed clearly in an e-mail. So we’ve become overly humble to make up for any perceived offense that might arise just because it’s all so badly written. I’m not holding myself up Hemingway or anything, I’m just dismayed by the lack of standards.
– Jessica
Great take! I think the disclaimers you mentioned (IMO, ect) are often used as substitutes for actually thinking through a position. People also think these things absolve them from the obligation to be respectful. Too many times we can see people choosing personal attacks over rational argument (eg. “I think you’re an idiot – IMO”), and believing that this is in some bizarre way appropriate.
I agree wholeheartedly – be honest, own your position, keep an open mind, and don’t be an idiot (IMO)
Great take! I think the disclaimers you mentioned (IMO, ect) are often used as substitutes for actually thinking through a position. People also think these things absolve them from the obligation to be respectful. Too many times we can see people choosing personal attacks over rational argument (eg. “I think you’re an idiot – IMO”), and believing that this is in some bizarre way appropriate.
I agree wholeheartedly – be honest, own your position, keep an open mind, and don’t be an idiot (IMO)
Though the usage of disclaimers to soften a personal opinion can be – or seem – disingenuous and overused, cultural courtesy really does encourage “softening the blow” of personal opinion in order to reduce the perception of aggression or offense. Communication in a textual medium can be a minefield of emotional miscommunication or misperceived subtext and that “IMO” or “for what it’s worth” is often a gesture by the communicator at conferring a less strident response. I’m a big fan of courtesy and manners – often in short supply these days – so it’s hard for me to take a genuine offer of “just my 2-cents worth” as anything more than an attempt to keep the lines of communication open during a discussion. I advocate for courtesy as long as it’s sincere…
The interesting phrase you used in here is “cultural courtesy”. We could probably have an entire discussion about the standards for what’s considered “courtesy” based on culture differences.
But in my experience, the kind of statements I’m referring to often wouldn’t pass the courtesy test on their own, and the “IMO” simply serves to try and weakly cover that person’s behind and offer a thin defense to back against.
The “IMO” isn’t the magic. It’s in crafting a well-thought and communicated statement in the first place.
Though the usage of disclaimers to soften a personal opinion can be – or seem – disingenuous and overused, cultural courtesy really does encourage “softening the blow” of personal opinion in order to reduce the perception of aggression or offense. Communication in a textual medium can be a minefield of emotional miscommunication or misperceived subtext and that “IMO” or “for what it’s worth” is often a gesture by the communicator at conferring a less strident response. I’m a big fan of courtesy and manners – often in short supply these days – so it’s hard for me to take a genuine offer of “just my 2-cents worth” as anything more than an attempt to keep the lines of communication open during a discussion. I advocate for courtesy as long as it’s sincere…
The interesting phrase you used in here is “cultural courtesy”. We could probably have an entire discussion about the standards for what’s considered “courtesy” based on culture differences.
But in my experience, the kind of statements I’m referring to often wouldn’t pass the courtesy test on their own, and the “IMO” simply serves to try and weakly cover that person’s behind and offer a thin defense to back against.
The “IMO” isn’t the magic. It’s in crafting a well-thought and communicated statement in the first place.
I can’t think of another time where I’ve seen this important idea communicated. It’s one of successes essential ingredients. Outstanding post – thanks!
.-= Rick Ross´s last blog ..Taming Your Inbox, Part I =-.
I can’t think of another time where I’ve seen this important idea communicated. It’s one of successes essential ingredients. Outstanding post – thanks!
.-= Rick Ross´s last blog ..Taming Your Inbox, Part I =-.
… and stop hiding behind “I was just being snarky.” That’s simply a euphemism for “rude.”
.-= Mark W Schaefer´s last blog ..A voice from the Nashville flood: Social media as a lifeline =-.
Sometimes that can be very true. I think there’s also a distinct difference between speaking your mind respectfully, and doing so with tasteless behavior, underhanded insults, or deliberate pandering for attention by throwing below-the-belt barbs.
I see it happen online all the time, and those are the people I’ve stopped reading. I fully respect debate. I don’t respect behavior behind a screen that wouldn’t be acceptable in person.
… and stop hiding behind “I was just being snarky.” That’s simply a euphemism for “rude.”
.-= Mark W Schaefer´s last blog ..A voice from the Nashville flood: Social media as a lifeline =-.
Sometimes that can be very true. I think there’s also a distinct difference between speaking your mind respectfully, and doing so with tasteless behavior, underhanded insults, or deliberate pandering for attention by throwing below-the-belt barbs.
I see it happen online all the time, and those are the people I’ve stopped reading. I fully respect debate. I don’t respect behavior behind a screen that wouldn’t be acceptable in person.
Coco Chanel said “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” Everyone is so afraid of being WRONG that they miss the chance to be anything.
Wow thank you for writing this post! You are totally awesome 🙂
Too often our opinions get dulled down by our desire to conform and not tread on anybody’s (PC) toes.
We are part of a lucky group who get to share our opinions without persecution so we should own it and run with it!
.-= Elysia Brooker´s last blog ..ElysiaBrooker: WOW! I loooove that! RT @jonathanfields: Read this from @AmberCadabra – Quit Pulling Your Punches http://shar.es/mhILv =-.
Coco Chanel said “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” Everyone is so afraid of being WRONG that they miss the chance to be anything.
Wow thank you for writing this post! You are totally awesome 🙂
Too often our opinions get dulled down by our desire to conform and not tread on anybody’s (PC) toes.
We are part of a lucky group who get to share our opinions without persecution so we should own it and run with it!
.-= Elysia Brooker´s last blog ..ElysiaBrooker: WOW! I loooove that! RT @jonathanfields: Read this from @AmberCadabra – Quit Pulling Your Punches http://shar.es/mhILv =-.
I often wonder if social media has made us more like this (and yes, I know it exists in the “normal world” too) 😉
We offer opinions on “names” and their views, and immediately 100 of their supporters lash out and call us haters. And the “names” in question do nothing to combat this, or call on their supporters to respect differing opinions.
While I’ll never pull any punches (something that’s landed me in hot water a few times), I can see why some might, if only to avoid the crapshoot of fevered supporters.
Thoughtful post, miss. 🙂
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..How Smart is Your Local Business Marketing? =-.
I suppose that could be true in the culture of the web, to an extent. But it’s not limited to just “names”. And adding “IMO” to something doesn’t suddenly give you permission to be unkind or vulgar or insulting. Something being an opinion doesn’t absolve you of communicating thoughtfully in the first place.
I don’t blame the “names” for not taming their hordes. Other people’s actions are not their responsibility. I wouldn’t hold you hostage because one of your commenters was an asshole. That’s not your doing. It’s up to them to own up to it and defend their own behavior, and if you have a problem with how they’re defending whoever they’re defending, it’s THEM you should be addressing directly.
I agree about the IMO get-out and how it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour and downright rudeness.
But I disagree with your view it’s not up to the blogger to look after their community. Points of view and heated disagreement will often happen. But if you’re sitting by while someone that’s part of the community you built is lashing out at others, that makes you just as bad. It comes across as not caring about those that take the time to visit, share views and recommend you.
Count me out – I’d rather defend and lose the crap than have “bullying” for the sake of numbers and conversation.
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..The Metrics of Social Media =-.
I never ever said that it wasn’t up to a blogger to look after their community. What I said is that I’m not holding them responsible for the actions of others. There is a VAST difference there.
Some will jump in the fray when it makes sense. Other times, it’s just feeding bad behavior. It’s one thing to nurture a community and let it be an entity of it’s own, it’s another thing to hold one person responsible for actions of others that are not under their control. You’re also making a pretty stiff presumption here that people let things go on for the sake of inflating numbers, and I’d be hard pressed to find anyone that I’d associate with that would do that. If I sniff that, they lose my attention. The best way for me to illustrate my lack of support for someone’s actions is to take away my attention.
It’s pretty clear to me that you’re reacting to a particular scenario or two that you’ve experienced, so if you’d like to take that conversation elsewhere and continue it, I’d be happy to so I can better understand where you’re coming from.
Hmm, think we’re on mixed scenarios here, Amber. Definitely don’t have “a scenario.. to take elsewhere”, just offering a point of view.
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..The Metrics of Social Media =-.
I often wonder if social media has made us more like this (and yes, I know it exists in the “normal world” too) 😉
We offer opinions on “names” and their views, and immediately 100 of their supporters lash out and call us haters. And the “names” in question do nothing to combat this, or call on their supporters to respect differing opinions.
While I’ll never pull any punches (something that’s landed me in hot water a few times), I can see why some might, if only to avoid the crapshoot of fevered supporters.
Thoughtful post, miss. 🙂
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..How Smart is Your Local Business Marketing? =-.
I suppose that could be true in the culture of the web, to an extent. But it’s not limited to just “names”. And adding “IMO” to something doesn’t suddenly give you permission to be unkind or vulgar or insulting. Something being an opinion doesn’t absolve you of communicating thoughtfully in the first place.
I don’t blame the “names” for not taming their hordes. Other people’s actions are not their responsibility. I wouldn’t hold you hostage because one of your commenters was an asshole. That’s not your doing. It’s up to them to own up to it and defend their own behavior, and if you have a problem with how they’re defending whoever they’re defending, it’s THEM you should be addressing directly.
I agree about the IMO get-out and how it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour and downright rudeness.
But I disagree with your view it’s not up to the blogger to look after their community. Points of view and heated disagreement will often happen. But if you’re sitting by while someone that’s part of the community you built is lashing out at others, that makes you just as bad. It comes across as not caring about those that take the time to visit, share views and recommend you.
Count me out – I’d rather defend and lose the crap than have “bullying” for the sake of numbers and conversation.
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..The Metrics of Social Media =-.
I never ever said that it wasn’t up to a blogger to look after their community. What I said is that I’m not holding them responsible for the actions of others. There is a VAST difference there.
Some will jump in the fray when it makes sense. Other times, it’s just feeding bad behavior. It’s one thing to nurture a community and let it be an entity of it’s own, it’s another thing to hold one person responsible for actions of others that are not under their control. You’re also making a pretty stiff presumption here that people let things go on for the sake of inflating numbers, and I’d be hard pressed to find anyone that I’d associate with that would do that. If I sniff that, they lose my attention. The best way for me to illustrate my lack of support for someone’s actions is to take away my attention.
It’s pretty clear to me that you’re reacting to a particular scenario or two that you’ve experienced, so if you’d like to take that conversation elsewhere and continue it, I’d be happy to so I can better understand where you’re coming from.
Hmm, think we’re on mixed scenarios here, Amber. Definitely don’t have “a scenario.. to take elsewhere”, just offering a point of view.
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..The Metrics of Social Media =-.
Great and thought provoking post Amber. I received a note from a friend regarding her blog the other day and she indicated that she didn’t want to “tick” anyone off with her posts. My question to her was why have a blog if you don’t want discussion from both sides of the coin.
It’s much like you say in the post “own” what you say or don’t say it at all. Am seeing more and more posts about pushing the envelope and being heard amongst the noise…glad to be adding mine to the wind via your post here. Cheers,
Andy
Great and thought provoking post Amber. I received a note from a friend regarding her blog the other day and she indicated that she didn’t want to “tick” anyone off with her posts. My question to her was why have a blog if you don’t want discussion from both sides of the coin.
It’s much like you say in the post “own” what you say or don’t say it at all. Am seeing more and more posts about pushing the envelope and being heard amongst the noise…glad to be adding mine to the wind via your post here. Cheers,
Andy
I agree whole heartedly and it can be taken a step further. In a world of text and written thoughts it’s the responsibility of the reader, the person on the other end of the IMO, to not read too deeply into what otherwise might be considered a bit of a slam. Have some faith in your readership, your voice and your talent to communicate
IMOs, my 2 cents, etc… we know. You’re not a bad person, you’re stating a belief. No need to back down from that.
.-= Matthew Dibble´s last blog ..MatthewDibble: @CDeltonWalker Isn’t that the truth, love having that in my backyard. Enjoy it, let me know what u think. =-.
I agree whole heartedly and it can be taken a step further. In a world of text and written thoughts it’s the responsibility of the reader, the person on the other end of the IMO, to not read too deeply into what otherwise might be considered a bit of a slam. Have some faith in your readership, your voice and your talent to communicate
IMOs, my 2 cents, etc… we know. You’re not a bad person, you’re stating a belief. No need to back down from that.
.-= Matthew Dibble´s last blog ..MatthewDibble: @CDeltonWalker Isn’t that the truth, love having that in my backyard. Enjoy it, let me know what u think. =-.
I think some of this (Within the context of our jobs, at least) comes from our historical need to ‘tread lightly’ and ‘demonstrate the value’ of stuff we inherently know to be true to an audience of skeptics, scoffers and general naysayers.
We’ve been told that we need to tread lightly, that we need to phrase things in ways that people are already thinking.
In short, we’re set up to be timid.
Enough of this. The internet has been in the public eye for over 20 years. We’ve had email for longer than that. Get on the bus or get out of our way.
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..Be a person-sized learning atom within your own community. =-.
I think some of this (Within the context of our jobs, at least) comes from our historical need to ‘tread lightly’ and ‘demonstrate the value’ of stuff we inherently know to be true to an audience of skeptics, scoffers and general naysayers.
We’ve been told that we need to tread lightly, that we need to phrase things in ways that people are already thinking.
In short, we’re set up to be timid.
Enough of this. The internet has been in the public eye for over 20 years. We’ve had email for longer than that. Get on the bus or get out of our way.
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..Be a person-sized learning atom within your own community. =-.
I wonder how much of these qualifiers are the result of our online voice being shaped by unpleasant, at times, downright hostile debate. I cut my social teeth online via FPS clan forums. From 2001 up to now, I have made the majority of my online homes the discussion boards of one nerdy gaming clan after another and I have to tell yah panel, I have engaged in some flame-crazed verbal jousting on them there boards. As a systems admin, each time I send an email to my users, I have to be mindful to use language that speaks to the least tech savvy among my recipients. But in this case, I fully agree that these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.
I often get frustrated when I must rest my thoughts on a doyle before I can be somewhat sure they’ll be consumed as I planned. But still, we’re dealing with the written word and it does fail me time and again. I however, have always viewed these dicey moments as a chance to improve my message sending abilities. So I try very hard to avoid qualifying my statements. My online social communities are comprised of a mixed bag. Some can hang and some need a lil’ hand holding. I like this post a lot because it challenges us to stand by our statements and ask that others adapt. But I’m a bleed heart too, so I get to thinking about who I might have reached if I had used a pillow here and there. I want everyone to digest the message and while I don’t control that, I can influence it. So I dig this post and man, can this gal Amber tell a story. You are eloquent sister, no doubt about it. but in the end, I think I’d like to limit my disclaimers but know I can go to ’em when I need to. Danke Amber. We’re smarter for this dialogue.
I just reread my remarks and discovered I probably seem to some to be the Switzerland of the discussion. I’m not ambivalent. I do think there’s a middle ground to be had is all. I don’t use qualifiers typically. Typically being the operative word I suppose. Hugs!
.-= Scott Dailey´s last blog ..scottpdailey: [RT] Caption contest – Win some swag from amazon or iTunes – http://bit.ly/99Pvel (via @seanmalarkey) =-.
“IMHO” means absolutely nothing and the widespread abuse of the term shows you the idiocy of the Internet as a whole. I am willing to debate this with anyone.
If a person is unable to distinguish between opinion and fact, maybe he/she isn’t worth getting into words with in the comments of a /. article.
.-= Sucktackular´s last blog ..When Roombas Rule The World =-.
I wonder how much of these qualifiers are the result of our online voice being shaped by unpleasant, at times, downright hostile debate. I cut my social teeth online via FPS clan forums. From 2001 up to now, I have made the majority of my online homes the discussion boards of one nerdy gaming clan after another and I have to tell yah panel, I have engaged in some flame-crazed verbal jousting on them there boards. As a systems admin, each time I send an email to my users, I have to be mindful to use language that speaks to the least tech savvy among my recipients. But in this case, I fully agree that these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.
I often get frustrated when I must rest my thoughts on a doyle before I can be somewhat sure they’ll be consumed as I planned. But still, we’re dealing with the written word and it does fail me time and again. I however, have always viewed these dicey moments as a chance to improve my message sending abilities. So I try very hard to avoid qualifying my statements. My online social communities are comprised of a mixed bag. Some can hang and some need a lil’ hand holding. I like this post a lot because it challenges us to stand by our statements and ask that others adapt. But I’m a bleed heart too, so I get to thinking about who I might have reached if I had used a pillow here and there. I want everyone to digest the message and while I don’t control that, I can influence it. So I dig this post and man, can this gal Amber tell a story. You are eloquent sister, no doubt about it. but in the end, I think I’d like to limit my disclaimers but know I can go to ’em when I need to. Danke Amber. We’re smarter for this dialogue.
I just reread my remarks and discovered I probably seem to some to be the Switzerland of the discussion. I’m not ambivalent. I do think there’s a middle ground to be had is all. I don’t use qualifiers typically. Typically being the operative word I suppose. Hugs!
.-= Scott Dailey´s last blog ..scottpdailey: [RT] Caption contest – Win some swag from amazon or iTunes – http://bit.ly/99Pvel (via @seanmalarkey) =-.
“IMHO” means absolutely nothing and the widespread abuse of the term shows you the idiocy of the Internet as a whole. I am willing to debate this with anyone.
If a person is unable to distinguish between opinion and fact, maybe he/she isn’t worth getting into words with in the comments of a /. article.
.-= Sucktackular´s last blog ..When Roombas Rule The World =-.
And then there’s us Canadians – who see fit to apologize for expressing our opinions. Sorry about that.
Going off to think about this for a while.
(Sorry)
🙂
.-= Susan Murphy´s last blog ..40 years, 40lbs – My Weight Loss Goal =-.
Stop it. 🙂
And then there’s us Canadians – who see fit to apologize for expressing our opinions. Sorry about that.
Going off to think about this for a while.
(Sorry)
🙂
.-= Susan Murphy´s last blog ..40 years, 40lbs – My Weight Loss Goal =-.
Stop it. 🙂
What a salient point – thank you for making it. It seems that as we have more and more opportunities to speak our mind with the continued growth of technology, we also have more and more opportunities to put ourselves at “risk.” People are all scared to be rejected, and that fear is what’s prompting this type of prefacing.
Point well-received. Will be RTing for sure!
-Ashley
.-= Ash´s last blog ..2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life =-.
What a salient point – thank you for making it. It seems that as we have more and more opportunities to speak our mind with the continued growth of technology, we also have more and more opportunities to put ourselves at “risk.” People are all scared to be rejected, and that fear is what’s prompting this type of prefacing.
Point well-received. Will be RTing for sure!
-Ashley
.-= Ash´s last blog ..2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life =-.
Nope…I disagree with this one. Or I should say I agree with the idea of have an opinion, put it out there, stand behind it, don’t apologize for it, etc.
I do not agree that IMO, my $.02, and just sayin are ways of back pedaling or softening the blow. When I say, in my opinion, I mean it as it was intended to be used. I am saying this is my opinion and I understand there are other opinions out there that differ, but this is mine. Just sayin to me implies it is an opinion but on a topic that I do not take too seriously. It’s not a deal breaker let’s say. My two cents…well we’ve been saying that phrase forever. Yes it is intended to lessen the blow and honestly…it’s just my opinion but really, what is wrong with that? Sometimes saying someone’s baby is ugly is a bit harsh…but saying “you might want to take the baby out more at night and keep it inside out of the sun during the day, but that’s just my two cents”…is just a bit nicer no?
It’s obviously your opinion, making the declaration that it’s your opinion redundant and unnecessary. It also just sounds stupid because of how overused the phrase is.
.-= Sucktackular´s last blog ..When Roombas Rule The World =-.
“IMHO” is namedropping for opinions.
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..Be a person-sized learning atom within your own community. =-.
Traci – Actually no. What’s “nicer” is the statement itself being rephrased, not that you added the “just my two cents” bit. In fact, the “my two cents” sounds to me like you’re using something similar to “no offense”, which, by its very nature, is intended to pad a statement that’s bound to be offensive.
If your’e going to say that you ought to take the baby out more at night, just say it. By default, that’s your opinion. Trying to soften a potentially hurtful or offensive statement by disclaiming that it’s ‘just’ an opinion is silly, and ineffective.
clearly the humor did not translate.
But I still do not understand why ‘in my opinion’ is being pigeonholed as softening the blow. Why can’t it just be my opinion. Today it is rainy and cold…most would say the day is lousy. My saying “in my opinion, cloudy cold days are fantastic” is not softening any blow. I am stating an opinion that is different from yours and others. I am also recognizing that my belief is not a fact that cannot be disputed nor is theirs. We are all entitled to our opinions and that makes the world a more interesting place.
Just checking…am I allowed to say, I believe or I feel before a statement or is that out of bounds as well. I mean obviously if I’m the one saying it I believe it right?
You’re allowed to say whatever you like, Traci. No one is putting concrete rules down here. I’m simply sharing my perspective. Do whatever works for you. It’s discussion, not legislation. And the humor translated just fine!
My point is that 1) there are precious few irrefutable facts. Ever. Which means that most of the time 2) anything you state is, by default, opinion. “IMO” is redundant, and it carries implications in my interpretation.
And of course we’re all entitled to our opinions. In fact, my entire post and the ensuing discussion is in defense of that fact, and hoping that we can all be a little more proud to just have them and put ’em forward without a pile of disclaimers.
Kudos to you for posting something that has generated so much interesting discussion and I am very impressed by the time and thought you are putting into your replies. Very impressed.
Nope…I disagree with this one. Or I should say I agree with the idea of have an opinion, put it out there, stand behind it, don’t apologize for it, etc.
I do not agree that IMO, my $.02, and just sayin are ways of back pedaling or softening the blow. When I say, in my opinion, I mean it as it was intended to be used. I am saying this is my opinion and I understand there are other opinions out there that differ, but this is mine. Just sayin to me implies it is an opinion but on a topic that I do not take too seriously. It’s not a deal breaker let’s say. My two cents…well we’ve been saying that phrase forever. Yes it is intended to lessen the blow and honestly…it’s just my opinion but really, what is wrong with that? Sometimes saying someone’s baby is ugly is a bit harsh…but saying “you might want to take the baby out more at night and keep it inside out of the sun during the day, but that’s just my two cents”…is just a bit nicer no?
It’s obviously your opinion, making the declaration that it’s your opinion redundant and unnecessary. It also just sounds stupid because of how overused the phrase is.
.-= Sucktackular´s last blog ..When Roombas Rule The World =-.
“IMHO” is namedropping for opinions.
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..Be a person-sized learning atom within your own community. =-.
Traci – Actually no. What’s “nicer” is the statement itself being rephrased, not that you added the “just my two cents” bit. In fact, the “my two cents” sounds to me like you’re using something similar to “no offense”, which, by its very nature, is intended to pad a statement that’s bound to be offensive.
If your’e going to say that you ought to take the baby out more at night, just say it. By default, that’s your opinion. Trying to soften a potentially hurtful or offensive statement by disclaiming that it’s ‘just’ an opinion is silly, and ineffective.
clearly the humor did not translate.
But I still do not understand why ‘in my opinion’ is being pigeonholed as softening the blow. Why can’t it just be my opinion. Today it is rainy and cold…most would say the day is lousy. My saying “in my opinion, cloudy cold days are fantastic” is not softening any blow. I am stating an opinion that is different from yours and others. I am also recognizing that my belief is not a fact that cannot be disputed nor is theirs. We are all entitled to our opinions and that makes the world a more interesting place.
Just checking…am I allowed to say, I believe or I feel before a statement or is that out of bounds as well. I mean obviously if I’m the one saying it I believe it right?
You’re allowed to say whatever you like, Traci. No one is putting concrete rules down here. I’m simply sharing my perspective. Do whatever works for you. It’s discussion, not legislation. And the humor translated just fine!
My point is that 1) there are precious few irrefutable facts. Ever. Which means that most of the time 2) anything you state is, by default, opinion. “IMO” is redundant, and it carries implications in my interpretation.
And of course we’re all entitled to our opinions. In fact, my entire post and the ensuing discussion is in defense of that fact, and hoping that we can all be a little more proud to just have them and put ’em forward without a pile of disclaimers.
Kudos to you for posting something that has generated so much interesting discussion and I am very impressed by the time and thought you are putting into your replies. Very impressed.
Ok, I will put this disclaimer: I haven’t read all the posts, just a few–so I don’t know if anyone has made the same comment I’m making below.
I agree with you Amber. The IMO (or even worse IMHO–HUMBLE? Are you kidding me?)–is really an attempt to disclaim. “Well, it’s just me saying…” I assume if you say anything it is your opinion or you wouldn’t have said it. If anything it is unnecessarily redundant.
A person does not have to be uncivil in their communication nor do you have to include the IMO to be civil. I think we tend to dash off an email without thinking and then throw in the IMO just in case.
Here’s a better idea: why don’t I seriously think through everything I type before I actually hit the “send” button? In the days before email and IM we were encouraged when angry to write a vicious letter, put it in the drawer and then read it two days later. Usually you ended up destroying the letter and writing one making the same point but with more class and propriety.
Now, obviously I’m human enough to fail at my own advice often enough! But it is still true. Too many people are guilty of typing and then sending before thinking.
That’s a very good point and well taken. The “think before you type” thing really would solve a lot of issues sometimes, wouldn’t it? We’re always blaming others for misinterpreting our words, when we could all do with a bit of pause before we speak, and improved clarity in our communication to reduce the chance of being misunderstood.
That goes for me too, you know. I’m always trying to improve my communication skills, because they’re the underpinning to so many things.
Ok, I will put this disclaimer: I haven’t read all the posts, just a few–so I don’t know if anyone has made the same comment I’m making below.
I agree with you Amber. The IMO (or even worse IMHO–HUMBLE? Are you kidding me?)–is really an attempt to disclaim. “Well, it’s just me saying…” I assume if you say anything it is your opinion or you wouldn’t have said it. If anything it is unnecessarily redundant.
A person does not have to be uncivil in their communication nor do you have to include the IMO to be civil. I think we tend to dash off an email without thinking and then throw in the IMO just in case.
Here’s a better idea: why don’t I seriously think through everything I type before I actually hit the “send” button? In the days before email and IM we were encouraged when angry to write a vicious letter, put it in the drawer and then read it two days later. Usually you ended up destroying the letter and writing one making the same point but with more class and propriety.
Now, obviously I’m human enough to fail at my own advice often enough! But it is still true. Too many people are guilty of typing and then sending before thinking.
That’s a very good point and well taken. The “think before you type” thing really would solve a lot of issues sometimes, wouldn’t it? We’re always blaming others for misinterpreting our words, when we could all do with a bit of pause before we speak, and improved clarity in our communication to reduce the chance of being misunderstood.
That goes for me too, you know. I’m always trying to improve my communication skills, because they’re the underpinning to so many things.
To me, adding the obvious qualifiers is an exercise in being explicit with the written word to that specific portion of the panel that may need that degree of clarity in their diet. I’m not trying to water down my message or make it kinder, gentler. Not a bit. I’m merely – I mean merely – trying be inclusive. This approach has been fashioned by evolution. I’ve learned that some cannot handle intense debate. But I don’t want to exclude them. And though they may ultimately be better suited to a community where the love flows like wine from the heavens, while they’re here, I would just assume accommodate where possible.
I don’t even think this is exclusive to intense debate. I think it’s much more an indicator that we are utterly fearful of being held responsible for what we put out there. I’d much rather state something – even something simple – and have to answer for it or explain it futher – even be given the opportunity to think about it and restate it altogether – than to always water down my thoughts by thinking that saying “but it’s just my opinion” makes what I say any less subject to misinterpretation.
Well played. But I’m not sure I agree I’m using crutches, so much as I am using tact to deliver a message to a diverse audience. And I say that knowing I can always get better as a writer. But I could just as easily argue that I’m achieving the preferred outcome by tailoring my speak to include all aptitudes. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time filling folks with fluff and empty genstures, but it is all together possible the individuals engaged in this killer debate (thanks again Amber) are not qualified to arbitrate over what makes for a sound, fair minded and acceptible use of the gentle qualifying disclaimers and preambles. When I use them, they’re not being used to pull punches. I’m using them to avoid losing an audience member who’s needs are easy enough to satisfy. I accpet your challenge regardless, but do not think I use crutches where my abilities are failing me. Those are precisely the times I am using my ability to be diplomatic.
The comment about crutches was actually to Jim, up above. 🙂 But the challenge remains! I’d much prefer we try harder to use substantive words and clear communication to put forward our thoughts. I think the true diplomacy is in the selection and communication of the thought, not the qualifiers that follow.
To me, adding the obvious qualifiers is an exercise in being explicit with the written word to that specific portion of the panel that may need that degree of clarity in their diet. I’m not trying to water down my message or make it kinder, gentler. Not a bit. I’m merely – I mean merely – trying be inclusive. This approach has been fashioned by evolution. I’ve learned that some cannot handle intense debate. But I don’t want to exclude them. And though they may ultimately be better suited to a community where the love flows like wine from the heavens, while they’re here, I would just assume accommodate where possible.
I don’t even think this is exclusive to intense debate. I think it’s much more an indicator that we are utterly fearful of being held responsible for what we put out there. I’d much rather state something – even something simple – and have to answer for it or explain it futher – even be given the opportunity to think about it and restate it altogether – than to always water down my thoughts by thinking that saying “but it’s just my opinion” makes what I say any less subject to misinterpretation.
Well played. But I’m not sure I agree I’m using crutches, so much as I am using tact to deliver a message to a diverse audience. And I say that knowing I can always get better as a writer. But I could just as easily argue that I’m achieving the preferred outcome by tailoring my speak to include all aptitudes. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time filling folks with fluff and empty genstures, but it is all together possible the individuals engaged in this killer debate (thanks again Amber) are not qualified to arbitrate over what makes for a sound, fair minded and acceptible use of the gentle qualifying disclaimers and preambles. When I use them, they’re not being used to pull punches. I’m using them to avoid losing an audience member who’s needs are easy enough to satisfy. I accpet your challenge regardless, but do not think I use crutches where my abilities are failing me. Those are precisely the times I am using my ability to be diplomatic.
The comment about crutches was actually to Jim, up above. 🙂 But the challenge remains! I’d much prefer we try harder to use substantive words and clear communication to put forward our thoughts. I think the true diplomacy is in the selection and communication of the thought, not the qualifiers that follow.
Many folks dont have solid opinions, and as a result are not willing to jump in with a full bore assertion. Coming in with a imho, disclaimer, etc tames things a bit, and may provide for a less strenuous entry for some. Not everyone can jump into the middle of something full bore, some issues require percolation time.
In other cases, a counter opinion may be presented in a timid fashion as a way of subtle influence… and as a way of leading or drawing a conversation in a different direction, where upon full ownership of ideas comes to light over time.
Both of the above can be intentional strategies of dialog.
That being said, to present in a lame pc fashion because one doesnt want responsibility… thats another deal entirely.
Fair point. But I would argue if a person doesn’t really have a solid opinion, wouldn’t they be better served to listen until they’ve formed such an opinion? Rather than venturing an “IMO” why not ask a question in order to learn more and develop their opinion?
Many folks dont have solid opinions, and as a result are not willing to jump in with a full bore assertion. Coming in with a imho, disclaimer, etc tames things a bit, and may provide for a less strenuous entry for some. Not everyone can jump into the middle of something full bore, some issues require percolation time.
In other cases, a counter opinion may be presented in a timid fashion as a way of subtle influence… and as a way of leading or drawing a conversation in a different direction, where upon full ownership of ideas comes to light over time.
Both of the above can be intentional strategies of dialog.
That being said, to present in a lame pc fashion because one doesnt want responsibility… thats another deal entirely.
Fair point. But I would argue if a person doesn’t really have a solid opinion, wouldn’t they be better served to listen until they’ve formed such an opinion? Rather than venturing an “IMO” why not ask a question in order to learn more and develop their opinion?
“… these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.” – Scott Dailey
Many times I catch myself saying “IMO” and “Just my 2 cents” with just these people in mind. There seem to be some people who think that *any* difference of opinion is rude or insulting … which becomes *their* justification for being rude and insulting. The worst flame wars I have seen have started out this way. You don’t have to be rude, vulgar or insulting to get a rise out of these people. You just have to have a different point of view, or fall into one of their categories of “evil doers”.
It’s not that I can’t write. I take the time to think my position through. In fact, I can be obsessive about getting a post “just so”. I’m not afraid to be rejected, confronted or debated, either. I can handle a debate or disagreement on any topic in question, in fact, I enjoy that. I’m sick of being told I’m being rude simply because I’ve disagreed, or being accused of being bigoted, stupid, wrong or evil because I’ve taken a position that’s too difficult for someone to refute any other way.
Written conversation lacks tone of voice and body language. I don’t see it as “pandering” when I use a disclaimer to make the point that I’m not being disrespectful or unfriendly with regards to a specific point. Some people feel the same way about smileys, but I see them liberally applied in the comments here 😉
That being said, there is a core of truth in the basic premise here, and it’s worth considering.
So Brandi, riddle me this….
Is adding “IMO” to something or stating that a thought is just your opinion any LESS likely to incite a debate with someone who can’t take an opposing point of view?
Are the people with the kneejerk sensitivity to differing opinion swayed by softening a stance this way? I wouldn’t think so, but I’m curious about your take. I’m back to the idea that we do our best to state what we mean clearly, and to do so with respect, but have the confidence to stand up for what we think instead of couching everything as a preemptive strike against the hypersensitve out there.
And that’s an interesting point about smiley faces. You could absolutely interpret that the same way if you’re using it to somehow try and “make ok” a statement that could be interpreted otherwise. Then there’s probably plenty of other circumstances where they’re simply a replacement for absent body language, which is why I see those differently.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
I use smiley faces merely for the fact that sometimes my off beat humor could be mistaken. I don’t see that as a IMO or a watering down of my opinions. After all, if I am joking, I want it to be understood it is a joke. And this isn’t always possible in written communication.
Brandi, people who are rude and obnoxious will be rude and obnoxious no matter what disclaimer you might put on it. I am over 50 years old and have worked with a lot of folks who are going to find a fight even if there is no fight there. From my own experience in face to face communication, public speaking, group discussion and written communication I have discovered there is a type of person who is going to find a reason to argue with you and take offense no matter how diplomatic you may be.
Certainly, and I think I know what you mean, you want to be diplomatic, gentle, and to avoid insensitivity. The assumption here is we are all trying to communicate a point without being impolite or insensitive.
But that is a question I would be interested in hearing more opinions on: how can you sensitively handle written communication, especially email, without using cliched expressions such as “IMO”? As I mentioned, thinking before writing is one…but are there other ideas?
“… these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.” – Scott Dailey
Many times I catch myself saying “IMO” and “Just my 2 cents” with just these people in mind. There seem to be some people who think that *any* difference of opinion is rude or insulting … which becomes *their* justification for being rude and insulting. The worst flame wars I have seen have started out this way. You don’t have to be rude, vulgar or insulting to get a rise out of these people. You just have to have a different point of view, or fall into one of their categories of “evil doers”.
It’s not that I can’t write. I take the time to think my position through. In fact, I can be obsessive about getting a post “just so”. I’m not afraid to be rejected, confronted or debated, either. I can handle a debate or disagreement on any topic in question, in fact, I enjoy that. I’m sick of being told I’m being rude simply because I’ve disagreed, or being accused of being bigoted, stupid, wrong or evil because I’ve taken a position that’s too difficult for someone to refute any other way.
Written conversation lacks tone of voice and body language. I don’t see it as “pandering” when I use a disclaimer to make the point that I’m not being disrespectful or unfriendly with regards to a specific point. Some people feel the same way about smileys, but I see them liberally applied in the comments here 😉
That being said, there is a core of truth in the basic premise here, and it’s worth considering.
So Brandi, riddle me this….
Is adding “IMO” to something or stating that a thought is just your opinion any LESS likely to incite a debate with someone who can’t take an opposing point of view?
Are the people with the kneejerk sensitivity to differing opinion swayed by softening a stance this way? I wouldn’t think so, but I’m curious about your take. I’m back to the idea that we do our best to state what we mean clearly, and to do so with respect, but have the confidence to stand up for what we think instead of couching everything as a preemptive strike against the hypersensitve out there.
And that’s an interesting point about smiley faces. You could absolutely interpret that the same way if you’re using it to somehow try and “make ok” a statement that could be interpreted otherwise. Then there’s probably plenty of other circumstances where they’re simply a replacement for absent body language, which is why I see those differently.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
I use smiley faces merely for the fact that sometimes my off beat humor could be mistaken. I don’t see that as a IMO or a watering down of my opinions. After all, if I am joking, I want it to be understood it is a joke. And this isn’t always possible in written communication.
Brandi, people who are rude and obnoxious will be rude and obnoxious no matter what disclaimer you might put on it. I am over 50 years old and have worked with a lot of folks who are going to find a fight even if there is no fight there. From my own experience in face to face communication, public speaking, group discussion and written communication I have discovered there is a type of person who is going to find a reason to argue with you and take offense no matter how diplomatic you may be.
Certainly, and I think I know what you mean, you want to be diplomatic, gentle, and to avoid insensitivity. The assumption here is we are all trying to communicate a point without being impolite or insensitive.
But that is a question I would be interested in hearing more opinions on: how can you sensitively handle written communication, especially email, without using cliched expressions such as “IMO”? As I mentioned, thinking before writing is one…but are there other ideas?
Amber! Great post – IMO. All kidding aside though, it’s the fear of judgment that is behind all the hedging. And, if you don’t want people to judge you for your opinion, why have one? As a reporter, I’m paid NOT to have an opinion, but as a blogger, no opinion = no point.
Thanks for the post.
Amy
@ParmFarm
Amber! Great post – IMO. All kidding aside though, it’s the fear of judgment that is behind all the hedging. And, if you don’t want people to judge you for your opinion, why have one? As a reporter, I’m paid NOT to have an opinion, but as a blogger, no opinion = no point.
Thanks for the post.
Amy
@ParmFarm
I respect all the commenters and their opinions here. But it’s sad to watch what started as a lively conversation about a smart post having to do with being candid and direct and not pulling punches devolve into a rambling, babbling ping pong match about the use of “IMO” or “IMHO.” I use IMHO all the time–it’s harmless, get over it! It’s a “tag” that says “warning Will Robinson–opinion up ahead” for those who want or need it. It also can be a tag that alerts the reader that the writer is in the process of forming an opinion, which is a legit and useful bit when used that way. It can inform the reader that the conversation about to ensue may play a role in said opinion formation. (Certainly sincere conversationalists would want to know this??)
I agree with Amber that using IMHO or 2 cents doesn’t soften the blow if one is being offensive or rude, but I have to say 90+% of the time I see people using them normally, just like IRL conversation.
Why spend so many cycles in effect trying to “regulate” other’s speech? It’s ridiculous, especially considering the context–a call for candor. Sorry, this is just me being candid and not pulling punches.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.
Steve –
It’s so funny you say that, because after replying to a few of the comments, I was thinking to myself that I was letting the conversation get into a language debate, when that’s never what I intended. The IMO thing is just an example of the larger point I was trying to raise, which is the problem with over qualifying everything we say online.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Amber
I would even say they use “in my opionion” correctly, not just normally.
Not to beat a dead horse but here is what our pals Merriam-Webster have to say…
Main Entry: opin·ion
Pronunciation: ?-?pin-y?n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin opinion-, opinio, from opinari
Date: 14th century
1 a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem
2 a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view
3 a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based
— opin·ioned -y?nd adjective
synonyms opinion, view, belief, conviction, persuasion, sentiment mean a judgment one holds as true. opinion implies a conclusion thought out yet open to dispute . view suggests a subjective opinion . belief implies often deliberate acceptance and intellectual assent . conviction applies to a firmly and seriously held belief . persuasion suggests a belief grounded on assurance (as by evidence) of its truth . sentiment suggests a settled opinion reflective of one’s feelings .
Very good Steve. But I don’t think this is about anyone regulating anyone’s speech. It is stating the opinion that “IMHO” and “IMO” is not owning up to the consequences of putting something out there. If someone wishes to use IMO so be it. But certainly there is nothing heavy handed or regulatory when someone else says: “I think it’s weak.”
You don’t have to agree with me and that’s OK.
We all have our opinions and I never consider it a waste of time to enter into conversation with anyone–whenever we discuss, even argue with open minds we both walk away changed–hopefully for the better. Can that really be a waste?
I respect all the commenters and their opinions here. But it’s sad to watch what started as a lively conversation about a smart post having to do with being candid and direct and not pulling punches devolve into a rambling, babbling ping pong match about the use of “IMO” or “IMHO.” I use IMHO all the time–it’s harmless, get over it! It’s a “tag” that says “warning Will Robinson–opinion up ahead” for those who want or need it. It also can be a tag that alerts the reader that the writer is in the process of forming an opinion, which is a legit and useful bit when used that way. It can inform the reader that the conversation about to ensue may play a role in said opinion formation. (Certainly sincere conversationalists would want to know this??)
I agree with Amber that using IMHO or 2 cents doesn’t soften the blow if one is being offensive or rude, but I have to say 90+% of the time I see people using them normally, just like IRL conversation.
Why spend so many cycles in effect trying to “regulate” other’s speech? It’s ridiculous, especially considering the context–a call for candor. Sorry, this is just me being candid and not pulling punches.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.
Steve –
It’s so funny you say that, because after replying to a few of the comments, I was thinking to myself that I was letting the conversation get into a language debate, when that’s never what I intended. The IMO thing is just an example of the larger point I was trying to raise, which is the problem with over qualifying everything we say online.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Amber
I would even say they use “in my opionion” correctly, not just normally.
Not to beat a dead horse but here is what our pals Merriam-Webster have to say…
Main Entry: opin·ion
Pronunciation: ?-?pin-y?n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin opinion-, opinio, from opinari
Date: 14th century
1 a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem
2 a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view
3 a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based
— opin·ioned -y?nd adjective
synonyms opinion, view, belief, conviction, persuasion, sentiment mean a judgment one holds as true. opinion implies a conclusion thought out yet open to dispute . view suggests a subjective opinion . belief implies often deliberate acceptance and intellectual assent . conviction applies to a firmly and seriously held belief . persuasion suggests a belief grounded on assurance (as by evidence) of its truth . sentiment suggests a settled opinion reflective of one’s feelings .
Very good Steve. But I don’t think this is about anyone regulating anyone’s speech. It is stating the opinion that “IMHO” and “IMO” is not owning up to the consequences of putting something out there. If someone wishes to use IMO so be it. But certainly there is nothing heavy handed or regulatory when someone else says: “I think it’s weak.”
You don’t have to agree with me and that’s OK.
We all have our opinions and I never consider it a waste of time to enter into conversation with anyone–whenever we discuss, even argue with open minds we both walk away changed–hopefully for the better. Can that really be a waste?
Interesting post, Amber. Well said.
Interesting post, Amber. Well said.
So let it ‘drive you nuts’ not ‘a bit nuts’ …then we can have the full force of your passion!
.-= Lucy Thorpe´s last blog ..Marketing:How To Win Clients Stylishly =-.
So let it ‘drive you nuts’ not ‘a bit nuts’ …then we can have the full force of your passion!
.-= Lucy Thorpe´s last blog ..Marketing:How To Win Clients Stylishly =-.
Isn’t it possible that people use these phrases because they fear acceptance? I think this is a symptom of a great problem in society. All you have to do is look at what is happening with BP in the Gulf. It is clear the entire organization is at fault, yet nobody wants to admit that protocols failed and everyone is responsible for it. They don’t want to own the problem and work to resolve it. Instead, these turkeys want to hide from it and be held accountable.
We are so afraid of having the finger pointed at us that we lesson opinions with statements that lessen intent. We fear accountability because of the possible implications in the unknown future. We fear taking responsibility because we know employees and peers are watching and we don’t want to irk anyone.
Anyhow…interesting post. My head is swirling with many ideas now. Time to go think things out a bit more.
Isn’t it possible that people use these phrases because they fear acceptance? I think this is a symptom of a great problem in society. All you have to do is look at what is happening with BP in the Gulf. It is clear the entire organization is at fault, yet nobody wants to admit that protocols failed and everyone is responsible for it. They don’t want to own the problem and work to resolve it. Instead, these turkeys want to hide from it and be held accountable.
We are so afraid of having the finger pointed at us that we lesson opinions with statements that lessen intent. We fear accountability because of the possible implications in the unknown future. We fear taking responsibility because we know employees and peers are watching and we don’t want to irk anyone.
Anyhow…interesting post. My head is swirling with many ideas now. Time to go think things out a bit more.
I am strongly standing by the statement: You are only the second human I have encountered on this planet to use the word “milquetoast”. Congrats.
.-= Jeremy Fischer´s last blog ..Your Kids Can Be the Best Teachers =-.
I am strongly standing by the statement: You are only the second human I have encountered on this planet to use the word “milquetoast”. Congrats.
.-= Jeremy Fischer´s last blog ..Your Kids Can Be the Best Teachers =-.
“in my opinion” = “think about whether or not you you respect my ability to think and deliver ideas before i say what i’m about to say”
the subtext of this is “I could understand if you couldn’t care less about my thoughts”
which ultimately indicates a missing degree of confidence.
if you’re unsure, ask a question. if you’re right, stop being so damn apologetic about it.
kudos, amber.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..Fundamentals and Jazz, Part 2: Connection =-.
“in my opinion” = “think about whether or not you you respect my ability to think and deliver ideas before i say what i’m about to say”
the subtext of this is “I could understand if you couldn’t care less about my thoughts”
which ultimately indicates a missing degree of confidence.
if you’re unsure, ask a question. if you’re right, stop being so damn apologetic about it.
kudos, amber.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..Fundamentals and Jazz, Part 2: Connection =-.