“Well, that’s not how I would do it.”
How I hate that phrase.
Where does it come from? Ego? Lack of trust? Or something else? Why do we get not only in our own way, but in the way of others we want to help, or of those trying to help us?
Whether individuals or companies, we get so wrapped up in how we want things done that we often sacrifice getting anything done at all.
And for what? So we can say something was done to our standards? That it was done “our way”?
But at what point does our insistence on that turn into insurmountable friction? When do we make things so hard that people (ourselves included) don’t even try?
Let people start where they are. To get someone to produce something to your standards, they have to produce something to their standards first. Once they’ve done that, then they’re in a position to see the difference between what they’ve done and what you want them to do.
Before that it’s an abstraction, and therefore close to meaningless. Certainly not enough to move them out of the inertia to which we’re all subject.
The only way to move them along is to get them moving at all. The more barriers you create to that movement, the more barriers you create to their learning.
Let go. Change comes to those ready to make it. The timing’s not up to us. It’s up to them. We can create the environment. We can guide, we can lead. But we can’t mandate. Not really. What results from force is false change. It’s following orders without understanding why (beyond perceived consequences). It denies the chance for a change to belong to someone else.
You’ve pushed, they move. But they’re not moving on their own.
So maybe their way isn’t yours. Maybe it’s not how you would do it. Maybe it’s better. But if you don’t let them fail, you’re the one who’ll never succeed.
Will you risk it? Or is that not your way?
Great blog! And, oh so very true. How can we expect to grow emerging leaders if we don’t let them experiment just a bit. It seems we have forgotten how to listen to our staff.
If I could have a dollar for every consultant hired to come in and tell the leaders of our Fortune 500 companies what it is that they need to do to be more successful – and they interview the employees and report back to the leaders what was said, I would be a billionaire right now.
But isn’t that the consultant’s model? They *do* get dollars every time they’re hired to come in and tell a company what it already knows. 😉
Great blog! And, oh so very true. How can we expect to grow emerging leaders if we don’t let them experiment just a bit. It seems we have forgotten how to listen to our staff.
If I could have a dollar for every consultant hired to come in and tell the leaders of our Fortune 500 companies what it is that they need to do to be more successful – and they interview the employees and report back to the leaders what was said, I would be a billionaire right now.
Great post- how much we could all learn from eachother if we let go a little bit.
Thanks.
Liz Brenner
Reaffirming piece. As a former Creative Director, I’d often approach a design challenge with the team, from a deeply conceptual place. From there, and based on project work flow and time management, the team of designers and writers could play with the concept and return with design comps, mind maps or whatever or another visual rendering of their choice. We’d come back to the table with iterations on the original concept, with new thoughts, concerns… Ultimately a direction would result from this process of co-creation. The idea of co-creation, I have found, inspires a team and also empowers them with “how” a project emerges from experiment to prime time. Co-creation works to both create change and also manage a team by everyone being immersed in the process from the outset.
I should h/t Nilofer Merchant and her book “The New How” http://the-new-how.com/the-author/ for giving me confidence to let go and truly collaborate with a diverse, multi-generational workforce.
I like your introduction of co-creation here as an overarching concept for working together. We somehow think, it seems, that working with people makes us weak (we seem to think we *should* be able to do it alone…). I see it as the opposite: I *know* I have weaknesses as well as strengths. If I can find people to work with whose strengths support my weaknesses and vice versa, the end result will undoubtedly be stronger.
It seems like people take real pleasure in using terms like “perfectionist” and “obsessive-compulsive” and “control freak” to describe themselves, as though those descriptors (while supposedly self-deprecating) were some sort of badge of honor.
But how about “nitpicky” and “strident” and “manipulative” and “micromanager”?
Because the need to control everything around you rarely manifests itself as anything but totally dismissive of what others bring to the table.
Great post.
Oh, how I love your way with words, Meg! You’re right–if we use those labels on ourselves, we almost always do so with a faint (or bright, depending) glow of pride, forgetting that not everyone sees those sobriquets in a similarly positive light.
I’ve found (from personal experience…with myself) that the need to control is inextricably linked (at least with me) to insecurities. Paradoxically, I find the more I let go, the more in control I feel.
I love the idea that people need to take their own approach. The worst is when a manager or leader leaves something intentionally vague, and then comes back with “That’s not how I would do it.” Then why not be more specific? Creating vague criteria implies you want people to do it their own way, and in fact, you trust them enough to put their own spin on things.
Whether we’re asking someone to do something, or having something asked of us, it’s critical to ask the question about the goal: is it about getting it done? or about getting it done a certain way.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting *how* something gets done to take precedence over it getting done, but we need to be honest and clear about when that’s the case.
“Let go. Change comes to those ready to make it.” Dabbing tears of joy from my eyes — no longer feel alone. From your post to leaders’ actions. I’d much rather have to pull a team back than have to push any day of the week.
People rise to the bar you set. If you set it low (through micromanaging and controlling), you shouldn’t be surprised if people meet the bar and go no further.
Greatest advice I’ve heard in a long time and it keeps on finding me… “Get out of your own way”
Thanks for reinforcing that which is. *steps to the side*
k.xxo
I *know* you’ve got the world at your feet, my friend. Go get it.
I *know* you’ve got the world at your feet, my friend. Go get it.
My Nana always told me that it wasn’t that she wanted, “Things done her way, she just wanted them done the right way!” I happen to have a wee bit of her in me and have to constantly remind myself when working with others that my way isn’t the only way.
Great post and great reminder for everyone who works and plays with others!
Rightness can be such a trap, can’t it? And yet so easy to fall into. I’ve found it helps to remember that “right” is entirely contextual. Right can sometimes be “my way.” And sometimes we don’t know right until we’ve seen it.
That’s the key: being aware of which right a situation *really* needs.
Great post! I would add a slightly different perspective. Often people who want it done “their way” are not willing or capable of articulating the ultimate desired result. Sharing the desired outcome, deadline and level of quality, require advanced thinking and planning. True leaders, in my experience, have done the hard work of pre-planning and are then open to the serendipities of great, creative execution. They also generally have the most loyal colleagues and teammates!
That’s absolutely true–being clear about what needs to happen, from the perspective of the end result, relies on our ability to get out of our own “narrative circuit” about what the “best” answer might be. It can be hard to hew to a results-only mindset, but anything else shuts down the opportunity for learning a different, and possibly better, way.
I absolutely agree, I actually value a lot others’ way of doing things, I like to ask “what would you do” because it puts both in a position where we can learn from each other. It’s wrong to be arrogant enough to believe our way is the only possible way.
I’m convinced is the single most important trait of great leaders. And yet no one ever seems to talk about it. I wonder why?
Most excellent. The best thing you can ever do is surround yourself with people who are smarter than you are, or who have the potential to be, and let them go. Kind of like a parent’s job when it comes to raising kids. Give them the tools, then let them go. Be there to guide, help when needed, but let them go, do, learn. Anything else only creates dependence.
Lovely post!
Shelly
@shellykramer
http://v3im.com
Thanks, Shelly! I’ve often said that my highest duty as a manager is to coach people up and out of the job I hired them for. Holding them back does everyone a disservice.
Your post has implications for the voluntary and community sectors too Amber. People are quick to comment on the lack of engagement – in government, political process, on boards, etc – but are just as quick to want to stick to the tried and true methods that are well established and entrenched.
Yet, to build true diverse, inclusive and sustainable communities, we must step outside ourselves and allow the end goal to guide us all.
It’s not the easy route, for sure, and requires much work, but in the long run, we will have stronger companies, institutions and governments.
So – instead of “my way” how about “our way”, together toward the future we are co-creating.
That’s too often the irony of nonprofits, isn’t it? Both Amber and I have extensive backgrounds there (I in higher ed and the arts), and it always surprised me how often the tradition of the institution trumped the needs of both the institution’s mission, and its community. But then again, SO MANY nonprofits are founded from ego masquerading as altruism–from the belief that MY take on how to serve a particular cause / community / mission is better than the hundreds of institutions already serving said cause / community / mission.
Sorry about that Tamsen – absolutely!
I don’t know about you, but think I’m seeing more and more people locally founding their own societies rather than working to shift existing structures. And yet sustainable communities, in my opinion, are build from improving what exists and only starting something new when an identified unmet need is there.
We can all learn from one another – and need to!
I’ll admit that I might now and then have the urge to say something to the effect of, “That’s not how I would do it.” I don’t think it’s often, but I know it happen. When it does though, I also try to recognize whether or not the other person’s approach would achieve the same goals so that I can maybe instead say, “Well, I honestly wouldn’t do it like that, BUT I think your way will accomplish the same thing.”
If I can’t recognize when a different method would be just as effective if not more so, I’m much more of a barrier than I am a participant.
I’d love to say I never say it myself–but I’m human, too. (Wait…what? 😉 ) It’s totally naturally for us to react, sometimes viscerally, to someone else’s behavior and reject it out of hand. Over the years, though, I’ve added “That’s not how I would do it” to my mental list of “red flag” phrases–those that, when I hear myself say them, are a sign to step back, reconsider, and ask more questions.
Totally makes sense. I have a few of those myself…much like a pet peeve list, you just know when you say these things that, even if it doesn’t bother you, it probably bothers everyone else. Or at the very lest does not help the situation.
“By studying others’ viewpoints, it is possible for us to discover new and refreshing perspectives on the world – including our own life.”
Just tweeted by the Dalai Lama
That pleases me more than I can say. And gives credence to my totally unfounded belief that sometimes, a pattern of thought is universal at a point in time. 🙂
Fabulous post! To me this applies to parenting as well as to business. It is very easy to sacrifice the big picture to attain immediate “results”. The problem to me is that no one really learns anything.
Ah yes, the ego has arrived and is here for a while. I talked about change in two speaking presentations this week. No one knows what change feels like though it sounds good in theory. Well part of change is opening said mind for better possible solutions elsewhere. The human mind is tactical and finite. We all too often want things to be solved and we want it today. And mistakenly we think what we did yesterday will be our path to success.
What a fascinating idea, that we don’t know what change feels like. Because we do–we’re changing all the time. The problem, I think, is that we so rarely pay attention to what we’re experiencing right now, in the moment. We tend to only consider what’s already happened, or what’s yet to come. Since one (the past) is concrete and the other abstract (the future), we rely heavily on that which we (think) we know.
I can only believe it comes from an unhealthy ego, an affliction that we suffer from in droves in the US today. I’m not sure it has anything to with standards since it is seldom followed by the constructive phrase “Why don’t you try X”. It stands alone. It is more indicative of the current reaction to the last two years of Obama trying change and offering hope which is countered by the not-so-silent minority as “how’s that changey – hopey thing working for you?” These are the same people who would tell you, no matter what you had just done – saving a drowning child or curing cancer – “Well, that’s not how I would do it…”
I couldn’t agree more. What I find to be an even more powerful follow-on–and certainly one better suited to making progress in this world–is to follow “That’s not how I would do it…” with: “So tell me why you do it your way….” Curiosity is the antidote to judgment.
I don’t think that there’s any ONE right way to do things. People are going to learn to do something and adapt to doing it in a style of their own. What worked for one blogger isn’t going to work in exactly the same fashion for the other. You can guide people and make suggestions, etc. But you can’t flat out say, “hey, you’re doing it wrong!”
Try new things. Fail. Find what works, then stick to what’s working but continue to keep pushing the envelope and trying new things!
Yes, yes, yes.
🙂
Oh I hate that line too. And when you ask them `How would you do it then’ they often don’t have any response, other than, `well not that way’.
Usually it’s due to lack of accountability, indifference or fear of change. I usually dig deeper to find out which one and whether I can apply a positive forward momentum and get them on board.
The other line I hate` I’ll try and do that’ – in the words of Yoda, “there is no try only do or do not”
Great post
Natalie
Gah! More words and phrases to add the list of those we’d do better without: try (amen!), should… what else?
Yes! And for those who are emerging leaders, watching trends and experimenting with processes to get stickier and more engaged/connected–beware of self-proclaimed experts. Many keep doing the same things the same way, and they claim to have a proven formula. Social has nothing to do with formulas. It’s a way of thinking, of being and interacting, and it’s an extension of person-to-person, not a replacement. It’s not a formula of processes, a one-size-fits-all. It’s all about authenticity, of branding, implementation, interaction and 2-way communicating. If you can formulize or manualize that, step up and prove it. I haven’t seen it yet.
http://www.daphnestreet.wordpress.com
So true–there are no maps, other than those we draw ourselves.
I agree. We need to let people follow their own path, experiment in their own ways, fail in their own ways, and learn in their own ways. Those are the keys to self-actualization and success.
“Change comes to those ready to make it. The timing’s not up to us. It’s up to them.” I love this phrase…it reminds us that we must be prepared for change that we must be fluid in our approach.
…and be attuned to spotting change that’s ready to happen.
Tamsen, thanks for bringing up some crucial points. It seems to me that the problem is rooted in our earliest days as learners. So many schools are models of control: stand in line, do as your told, follow the rules, memorize this, say that, and so on. Many of these schools stifle and ultimately compromise the natural curiosity and eagerness to learn that all young people begin life with. So…I’m sounding negative here and I want to end on a positive/practical note…we need to get more involved in our schools and help create early-life environments where kids, teachers, parents, and others can all be co-creators. In the process, our young people will take some great habits and inclinations into the work world when they’re adults, and change will be effected that way. It’s a long-term proposition, for sure. But it’s the only way to ensure deep-down change that will last.
I love how the idea of co-creation arose as a thread amongst the comments. It’s definitely something that needs to start early–I’m grateful that it was an approach inculcated in me by my parents.
I agree with this blog. Change is scary and many people don’t like the chance of something bad reflecting upon them. However, it is necessary for people to grow and learn by doing it themselves. A good teacher or leader already has someone prepared for the future task. You never know, maybe a new view and direction is exactly what is needed.