Sound communication is the carrier for so many things.

For our emotions, for our ideas. For our causes. For the information we need to do our jobs. We often take it for granted and would often do well to give it more conscious attention.

The increasingly social and distributed nature of business also gives rise – again – to the importance of not just communication in any form, but of diplomatic communication. We’re communicating in short bursts, in media that lack nuance, and at an ever-increasing pace. Which means that the application of tact and sensitivity in how and what we communicate is ever more important, whether we’re dealing with our customers, our colleagues, or the public at large.

Before we talk about this in detail, note something important. Being diplomatic is not about being weak. It has nothing to do with giving in, being sappy, or dancing around things for fear of being direct. It’s about awareness and selective application of strength.

This is probably the single skill set I use most in daily business, regardless of what business I’ve been in, and it’s one that always needs practice because I certainly don’t always get it right. But as I’ve  here are a few keys that are consistent and core to consistent diplomatic communication and ensuing results and progress.

The 9 Keys

1. Situation Analysis

You absolutely cannot communicate well without continuously gathering relevant information, and doing so as inertly as possible. Set aside your bias or your own initial judgment, and ask questions. Ask why. Ask how. Ask where that information came from or how it originated. Ask it again. You’ll never have every stitch of information, but the more you have, the more nuanced and accurate your communication can be.

2. Absorption

Otherwise known as the “sit back and shut up” clause, and one of the hardest things to do well. We talk often about the importance of listening but as many have said artfully, we’re usually instead just waiting for our turn to speak. Get comfortable with thoughtful silence and pauses in conversation. Take time to process before responding or asking the next question.

3. Reflection

A longstanding psychological technique, reflection rephrases or summarizes what you’ve heard from someone to be sure you’ve understood what they’re saying. Not only does this indicate that you’ve been paying attention, but it helps you uncover gaps in your understanding and clarify others’ meaning or intent that might impact how you react or respond.

4. Compassion

We all have cruddy days. More importantly, we all fear something (or somethings), irrational or not. Accept that we are all afraid of something, and try to learn and understand what others fear. Not for the purpose of manipulation, but to exercise a bit of patience and empathy, and be aware of how that fear creates bias in everyone’s responses and behaviors.

5. Diffusion

Nothing dispels tension like flexibility. We exercise force against the things we perceive as immovable objects, so the minute that object gives a little, we start to relax and realize that perhaps we don’t need to push so hard after all. And if we’re the immovable object? It’s important to ask ourselves realistically what the consequences truly are if we don’t get our way. More often than not, we dramatically over-inflate the critical nature of our absolute position, and giving a few inches toward the middle can create drastic progress in a short amount of time.

6. Common Ground

We so often skip this step, but in business, even the most opposing forces often share at least one or two common denominators or goals. Start by figuring out what you all want and can agree on. Start there. Or, if you’re at a stalemate, back up and start *over* there. (If your values are so misaligned that you can’t seem to find even that, the conversation you need to have is much more about why you’re doing this to start with).

7. Forgiveness

Smooshy as it may sound, let past transgressions go. If the last discussion was riddled with tension or disagreement or misunderstanding, do your best to put that situation in a box and treat it as a separate and distinct entity, and approach the current one as a fresh, clean slate. (For the record, I suck at this, but I’m trying and recognize its importance). If we keep hanging onto what didn’t work last time, that tends to dominate our field of view, and color our attitude before we even start a conversation.

8. Resolve

Once again, diplomacy is not about weakness nor simply giving in. But resolve is different and much more subtle than stubbornness. It requires not only recognizing what you’re standing firm on, but why and being able to articulate that clearly. You can have emotion, passion, and belief behind your ideas, but being able to support them calmly and consistently over time is far more important than your ability to rant and rave about them in a single moment.

9. Humility

It’s okay to change your mind. To amend or even reverse your stance on something when you’ve gathered more information. To evolve your point of view. To reopen a question you thought you had the answer to, but aren’t now sure of. The wise person is the one that recognizes not only their own truths and biases, but the potential that comes with being willing to shatter them all.

Your Turn

So much in our business and community culture – especially online today – is threaded with the tenets of artful communication, whether written or spoken.

I’d like to know what you’ve learned about communication in your work, in your personal life, in the evolution of your interwoven online and offline worlds. What’s not as useful as it once might have been? What’s more important than ever? What have you recognized about your own tendencies that’s helped or hindered your relationships?

As always, understanding something and practicing it can be worlds apart. But if communication improves, so too can everything else around it. Language and expression are what we have as foundational tools to do, propel, and achieve so many other things.

Time spent honing our skills in that realm is well spent, indeed.

image by Theoddnote