Having ideas can be very lonely.
So can having opinions. Or standards. Or a willingness to stand your ground over something you believe in. Or hell, on occasion it can feel having a personality is a recipe for dissent.
All of those things mean that you make allies. They mean you make enemies. Sometimes, they mean that you have relationships that slowly erode into distance or even indifference as the paths of thoughts and feelings diverge and eventually you just find different roads to walk.
Discourse can be healthy, and a path to growth and strengthened bonds. Deep disagreement – be it philosophical, emotional, or personal – can be irreparable. And as much as We on the Web will talk at length about the need for civil differences of opinion, I also for the first time really and truly believe that it’s okay for me to walk my path and you to walk yours, without one another if that’s what works.
For me personally, it’s been an interesting year or two, rife with discoveries, some of which are comfortable and some of which are not. There are people that patently do not like me. Some have reasons I could name, some not as much, but it’s still not easy for a person with my personality type to face the distinct reality that you are just disliked. Not that people are indifferent, but that they just don’t care for you. And that isn’t a plea for sympathy, please. It’s actually a bit of a triumph, because somehow in the deep corners of my very fallible human brain, it’s sinking in that the “you can’t please everyone” mantra is not an emotional surrender, but factual. What a moment that is.
It’s not the “if no one hates you, you’re doing it wrong” thing either, because I don’t even buy that from the people who espouse it. It’s not a test of our mettle just to be able to endure constant disagreement or friction. No one wants to be hated. People generally don’t even like to be disliked. We put on the Hater Armor like it’s a set of distinguished scars, but the people that claim complete immunity to being are either incredibly callous to the world around them, lying blatantly, or both. (Hint: they have their own cadres of people who make them feel good about themselves, too.)
We need the comfort of the things that love us as much as we need the discomfort of things that challenge us.
We need people that accept us and even like us as much as we do people that rail against us in order to help us grow. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find people of like mind who let us know that we aren’t completely crazy when we go off the rails, or who at least reassure us that we may be nuts but that our kind of loony has its own valuable place in the universe. It’s the people version of the easy chair in which you can recharge while you prepare to take on the world all over again.
The challenge comes when we can’t tell the difference between the attention we have and the friends we truly want. It’s okay to draw a distinction. It’s also okay to recognize that there are both things because the universe truly does exist in balance.
We can’t have perspective about what we definitively don’t want until we have affirmation of what we do, and vice versa. It’s not always conflict that makes us stronger, but occasionally the realization that we have found our little nook in the crooked corner of the web that – for all of its quirks – is comfortably all our own.
Thanks for the bravery of this post — it’s why I continue to subscribe.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m always glad to have you here.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m always glad to have you here.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m always glad to have you here.
It seems like coming to truly accept “you can’t please all the people all the time” would be empowering, that there would be relief then motivation to go on doing what you’ve set out to do without worrying as much about how others will respond. Lovely post, as always, Amber.
I dunno if “truly accept” is within reach or not, but I can tell you it sure gets a lot easier.
It’s probably your passive-aggressive nature and the fact you obviously think you’re smarter than you are that make people dislike you. No big deal.
Yep. Probably.
Has a Tim Ferriss ring to it! But yea, you’re right. Super liberating to think this way and come to this conclusion. Can’t please em all.
It’s hard to keep up sometimes, but it really helps to observe how the world interacts with each other, too, to see just how different and dynamic we really are, and how we need both comfort and friction to really thrive.
That is a profoundly honest post. It seems that it’s all part of growing up, your realisation that we cannot please everyone all the time and sometimes we have to go on our own path without our previous co-travellers.
I think we all have to reach that realisation before we can really be comfortable with who we are, some of us reach it earlier in life than others, some never do.
It’s the other side of the commitment coin (to ideas as well as people) it’s hard to be 100% committed to anything if we are continually worrying about other peoples opinions.
I think that last part is a really great point, Peter. It’s hard to commit to something fully if you’re concerned about pleasing everyone. I like that perspective a lot. Thanks.
Seems as though there’s a lot of truth in “You can just a person better by the quality of their enemies than the quality of their friends.” It’s a tough row to hoe when you realize that some people enjoy being haters (and they’re easy to dismiss), but others may be good people in their own right but simply hate either you or what they think you stand for (and those are the people you can’t brush off as readily). The only strategy that’s worked for me semi-consistently is to consciously accept that I can’t change their view/perception, look for any truth in it (accept responsibility where it is mine, but refuse it when I have to), identify if there are any bridges I can mend, and examine myself to see if I’m behaving like them. Forgiving somebody else is liberating, and eases my conscience about any hurt I’ve caused other people. When all else fails, for me anyway, it becomes a choice about who I’m going to give input into my life and thoughts: those who would make it more difficult and less pleasant, or those who would make it livelier and more enjoyable.
I could probably learn a thing or three by hanging around you more often. I particularly like your point about making a choice about who you’re going to allow to have input into your life and decisions. That’s a good benchmark and one that I’ve learned is more and more valuable over time.
I’m finding that many ‘communities’ on the net embrace and *enforce* a constant flow of ‘atta girl’ as critique, commentary, and culture. I think it is brave beyond belief to discuss this outside of your inner circle at all.
I can always count on you to take a position and argue it reasonably enough for all to find common ground.
What?? You being passive aggressive or “thinking that you are smarter than you think you are” (what the heck does that mean outside of 8th grade????) Nah…. like any other intellectually honest person, you simply allow new evidence or well reasoned argument to inform your opinion, and say so.
From one smarty-pants to another: THANK YOU!!!
Thanks, Perri. Appreciate the comment, and your smarty-pants-ness.
“…’you can’t please everyone’ mantra is not an emotional surrender, but factual.”
At this point in my personal and professional life, I’ve really been struggling to come to grips with this. Thanks for taking the time to put it in to words.
It’s a tough one. I know I’ve felt a million times like “you can’t please them all” has to come with a resigned sigh that means I’m giving up something I *should* be striving for. But it’s just a plain truth. And it’s ok that it’s that way. I feel less and less apologetic for it. Not confrontational mind you, just assured enough in my own world to know that my road isn’t the one for everyone.
I like you… and I don’t even really “know” you. 🙂 Keep up the great work!
Ha! Thanks, Alexis. Very much appreciated.
I like you. Always have. We don’t have to always agree philosophically for that to happen.
And I applaud your continuing self-discovery. Epiphanies are what help us grow exponentially.
You go, girl. Go be you!
Once I learned about personality type theory as created by Dr. Carl Jung and understood my own personality type, it made relationships much easier for me to develop. My type at that time was less than 1% of the U.S. popularion. And now, it’s only 1.5% of the U.S. population so I rarely come in contact with someone that thinks and feels as I do. Knowing about personality type and being able to recognize other types completely broadened my perspective and ability to relate to others.