I live in the Chicago suburbs.
But many people would guess I’m from Boston, or New York, or some other city that I frequent when I’m actually seen in public.
You see, I travel quite a bit as part of my career. I speak professionally a couple of times per month, and I have clients and customers and meetings. The beauty of building a business in the internet age is that geography isn’t a limitation. That lack of location friction can also be a bit of a curse.
I’m Not Really Home…
When I’m local, I’m really local. Meaning at my house, mostly. Or at my daughter’s preschool doing parent duty as part of the co-op. Occasionally, if you’re lucky (or not, since I don’t really do much with wardrobe and hair on those days), you might spot me at the grocery store or Target.
The downside here is a bit of an odd one. There’s lots of people I really like in Chicago, like David Armano or Amber Porter Cox or Melissa Pierce or Liz Strauss. And yet I see them more in other cities than I do our local community. I don’t do a lot of local events these days, and it’s not for neglect for my hometown. Or at least I don’t think it is. I’ve been a native Chicago-an for 35+ years and I love it here. Except in February. Which is a different conversation.
But when I’m home, I’m home. That means that if I’m *not* traveling for something that furthers my business, I try to strike a balance and be very present at home, with my kid and dogs and the deck out back when the weather gets warm. I’m a single mom, and my 50-70% of the time home means that my daughter is with me, and my evenings are spoken for by a precocious and outspoken young person with a love of neon gummy worms. I’m also a bona fide introvert, which means I need non-social time to recharge myself in between the times I have to be intensely “on” for work.
So I turn down a lot of dinner invitations, or I have to schedule them many (many) weeks in advance to accommodate the time I’m in town. I don’t stay out very late, and I rarely have the chance to go out for cocktails unless I can afford the time to stay overnight in the city (since as some of my downtown friends will attest, I live in Egypt in comparison to the city dwellers and don’t wish to be driving home at that point). Spontaneous plans are all but impossible, and hobbies I wish I could rekindle — like horseback riding — take a backseat for another day. Probably to the detriment of friendships. Maybe my sanity.
This isn’t a plea for sympathy – I’m sure someone is going to smack me for whining about how oh-so-hard it is to travel a lot. But if you think business travel is an awesome privilege that lets you see the world, I have harsh news for you, but I could probably tell you what a lot of the hotel lobbies look like.
Anyway. The other point.
There’s Still a Perception Problem
My friend C.C. Chapman is a vocal advocate for the father’s role in parenting and active participation in kids’ lives. He lives it too, balancing the need for travel because of work with being home with his family and raising two beautiful, brilliant children while being present for his lovely wife.
I don’t often play the gender card, because I think women are marginalized enough without us helping the issue along. But despite our enlightened professional world, a perception disparity persists that women who travel often for their work are being selfish about career pursuits, as compared to men who travel for their work by the millions and yet are considered the “providers” when they do so in what has traditionally be a male role.
C.C. will tell you, and my friend Tac and Drew pointed out, that there are similar disparities with men at times, that their travel demands insinuate that they must have distant or lousy relationships with their kids and that the mom is the “necessary” parent while dads taking care of their kids are perceived as babysitting or temporary kid care solutions. I think that stereotype sucks, and I think the bumbling idiot dad thing is as ridiculous as all of this.
But I am personally still stunned that people I know have looked me in the face and asked me why I’m not home with my child, or indicated that I’m off galavanting on adventures when I should be home parenting. Never mind that my career is what supports my child financially and makes possible the things we can do together that cost money. Or incidental stuff like school.
And yes, this still happens. People say it to me at events. Women too. Forget the fact that this isn’t their business. There is still this really screwed up perception that a woman pursuing a career, especially one that encompasses travel, is only out for her own selfish and self-aggrandizing purposes and can’t possibly be pursuing a better life for her family or trying to demonstrate to her children that they, too, can be anything that they want to be.
Is this really the best we can do?
As With All Things…
No, this isn’t everyone. Yes, there are people that think this notion is ridiculous. Yes, my daughter loves me and we have a wonderful relationship, and that is really what matters. No, I don’t believe I’m a crappy parent.
But I have to tell you, this is exhausting and frustrating. I saw a sign on Facebook recently about some of the women’s rights issues in the news these days that said “I cannot believe I still have to protest this shit.”. If you can pardon the French, I laughed out loud. There’s a lot of stuff I can’t believe we’re still discussing or having to explain or defend. This is one of those topics.
So do you stop bothering to give energy to this, or do you keep trying to help people see this issue in a different light? Ignoring it isn’t any easier than ignoring the kid who called you ugly in junior high.
Professionals like me take a good deal of pride in the fact that we work hard. We, too, are proud to be providing for our families and our children, and we love them fiercely when we get home even if that’s not as often as we’d like. Most of us are pursuing careers and financial independence in the way we’re able and know best how to do, even when it’s far from home.
The reality of an increasingly distributed workforce and the barriers to place being stripped out of friendships? Technology will never replace face time, which means we’ll need to find each other on airplanes and trains and automobiles like we always have.
I hope that when my daughter is my age, doing whatever the heck it is she dreams up, that she’ll point and laugh at this blog post and wonder what the hell we were thinking.
It’s the one time I’ll be really glad she thinks I’m old and out of touch.
You know I’m right there with you girl. Especially the part about when I’m home, I’m HOME.
Like you while I call a big city home, I really live 30 miles outside of Boston. To take the time to go into the city for an event and not be home with my family is a rarity and something that I get asked about all the time. I’m away from home enough so that being away when I’m in town is something I try not to do too much.
I watched a movie on the flight home last night called “The Other F Word” and it focuses on punk rock musicians who are now dads. You’d love it Amber.
The lead singer from Pennywise was talking about how he is on the road so much and has four beautiful girls at home. He HATES being away, but he knows it is what he has to do to provide for them and as a parent your first priority is always to provide and protect your children.
He’d love to stop being away, but he knows it is what his work calls for and what he needs to do so he keeps doing it.
You and I both travel because it is what we need to do. We do it for those little people in our lives who we’d do anything for. It is the only reason we spend so much time away from our children.
Sadly – this has not changed in my lifetime but as Amber says, I do hope my 12 YO reads this post in 10 years time she will ask “what the heck were they talking about?”
Jim Lindberg (lead singer of Pennywise) also has a book called “Punk Rock Dad” that I highly recommend.
This was a great post. I don’t get to travel often, but hope this will become a bigger part of my career over time. But the thing that bugs me most is when other women will say things like, “but who is watching your kids?” like I’ve left them to forage with wolves. It’s one thing if you’re a friend, genuinely asking about the juggle involved, but it’s another for a new acquaintance to think my husband is an equally competent caregiver (if not house cleaner).
Anyway, now following you on Twitter, so looking forward to reading more.
If I could do one magic wand kind of thing related to working parents, it would be eliminating the judging. I’ve spent the last 7 years caught between 9–5 working moms and stay at home moms. I don’t fit squarely in either and as such have often felt judged by both groups.
Getting too caught up in what I imagine people thinking or buying in to the things people have the audacity to say or ask just takes my eye off the ball. My 3 daughters are the minds I care about. Every once in a while I’ll spit something back if someone cuts a little too close, but for the most part I revel in the incredibly distinct experiences and perks my daughters get as a result of my owning two businesses and working online.
I love that you wrote this and I am looking forward to sharing it.
I think we also avoid a certain conversation because it plays into the ‘selfish’ side of this equation, but since I’ve never been one to avoid a conversation…
I could easily be home more, as could C.C., and as could you. It’s not like we don’t have the resumes to get decent, stable, 9-5 jobs with predictable paychecks. But here’s the rub, *IF* we are miserable in those jobs, we keep that misery at home with us and inject it into our children. I long ago gave up on the notion of the perfect job. There are tradeoffs in every one of them. What I wish, is that I could be ecstatic sitting at home in my underwear making wads of cash and seeing my family as much as I could stand it. I can’t be.
Here’s what I know as fact for me personally. If I were home every second I would be a lousy father. I would not appreciate the time that I have. I don’t ‘think’ this, I *know* this. It’s not flattering, but it’s the truth. Does this mean I love my son less? God I hope not. Does this mean I’m not a great father? God I hope not. But, it *is* who I am. That’s the raw, ugly, truth of it.
We each find a balance. My hope is that where possible that balancing act is the one that brings the most joy into my sons life and takes away as many unnecessary worries for him as possible. Would my son like for me to be there 24/7? Without question. Would that actually be the best thing for him in my case? I don’t think so.
Life is a palette of gray, we all need to stop trying to paint it in black and white.
I only travel once a year for my job, but just being a working mom brings up so many issues. My favorite is trying to make doctors appointments and having the receptionist really not understand that I am working as hard as she is and a Saturday appointment is really the only way I can make it all work.
Very well put. It’s amazing what kind of assumptions people make about a traveling businesswoman. “It must be so hard to be away from your children,” they say. But it’s not. I actually enjoy the break, and the chance to be focused without interruption on my work. And to have a bit of privacy – it’s even nice to be away from my spouse, too. I return home refreshed and the absence has made my heart grow fonder. But here’s the real plus: My daughters see that I have interesting things to do and places to go to do them. They understand the world is larger than the route between home and school. And they see something else: when I go away, I always come back. It never hurts for kids to learn any of that.
BRAVA. While this is not a new conversation, I do believe it is necessary one that bears repeating with some frequency. This is not whining; this is how it is. It is how we make money and how we nourish ourselves so that we can, in turn, nourish our families. I was never meant to be a stay home mother, and my work allows me perspective so that I can value my family, my children, my life, and know just how fortunate I am. To paraphrase @techguerilla below, if mama ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy (dads too). It’s why we put the oxygen mask on first in the event of a flight emergency–so we can better help those around us.
While I am heavily into community engagement, I do not consider it the air I breathe. It’s simply one facet of me, just like being outgoing and gregarious AND the introvert who needs down time. And so I take it when I can–evenings, weekends, a few precious days after a big event. It’s that ability to recharge and reconnect with my family and myself that makes us value that time. We work hard at it, and it makes us better.
We change the world’s perception daily, in minute, incremental steps, and it is important to give voice to that, if only to provide counterpoint to the judgement and thoughtless commentary. Even better if it is done so with intelligence, fact, and passion. So thank you for once again stating something that might be obvious to those of us doing it on a daily basis, but for others who are less enlightened or out-of-touch with themselves and the rest of the world, if only so we can point them to this post and say, “Go. Read. Become enlightened.” Who knows? Someday it might actually work.
Well, it IS Egypt!
Unfortunately, it’s not just when you have kids that you’re “neglecting” because you’re not at home. I am often asked why I don’t have kids and why I let my career get in the way of doing what I was put on earth to do. Sometimes I make some flip comment that is half smart ass, half truth. But it’s hurtful, particularly when 99.9% of people don’t know why I don’t have kids…and it’s none of their business.
And don’t get me started on the “oh you’re so lucky to travel so much” comments. I’m with you – when I’m home, I want to be home with my family. I don’t want to be out every night, especially when I’m on the road 3/4 of the month. I also feel like I’m always having to explain it … or hurt feelings because I can’t/don’t want to go out.
Isn’t it strange we’re never asked to speak in our own cities? We should change that.
I love this post. Thank you for writing it.
Here are a few thoughts.
First and most importantly, the concept of work-life balance is a myth. There are no cookie cutter approaches to it at all. It is up to each of us to live, laugh and earn with intention. No other person can tell us what is right for our situation, our family or our hearts. Only we know what works and what does not. We have to trust what our inner voice tells us and build our lives in the way that we know works best. This will change over time – based on what is happening around us.
Over the years, I have travelled some years a lot and some years not at all. It has always been tricky but I have made the decisions that I felt were right for both my family and my business. Sure some people judged me – but really it was none of their business. It is my family and my clients that I am accountable to – not my neighbours, friends or others who may choose to pass judgement based on their own perceptions of things. All that really matters is that I deliver – to my family and to my clients. How I bring it all together is my business.
So….yes…we can ponder these things, we can feel frustrated or even guilty sometimes. Instead though, I have chosen to focus my energies on being the best I can for the people I love, care about and work with. I am intentional in my decisions and authentic in how I live my life.
At the end of the day – know this – only YOU know what is right for you, your family and your clients. Trust your heart….it won’t lead you wrong.
The things people assume are irritating, across the board. Because usually, they’re assuming things because it’s convenient and those things fit their worldview. And because they see life as a black / white kind of thing.
If they want to believe that their lifestyle is the only right one, everyone else’s must have deep flaws. Heaven forbid people just be *different*… nope, everyone else is wrong.
I’m a person who found out she couldn’t have children of her own at 32 (when I’d been dreaming about it for 20 years), and who fell in love with a divorced dad at 34. I moved across the universe, and we married when I was 37. We only have his son (and his former stepson) on the weekends and some holidays, as he is fully enrolled in (a fantastic arts) school at his mom’s place, 35 minutes away. When he is there, we are ALL ABOUT him — we talk, we eat, we goof off, we do a lot of listening to blow by blows of PS3 games. He’s a happy, healthy, smart, gregarious kid, and I have a great relationship with his mom.
But instead of being overjoyed that my life is full of love and unexpected gifts, I get questions like, “Why did you wait so long to get married?” or “Does your husband mind that you can’t have kids?” or “Don’t you wish you’d had your own?” or “Do you feel like you barely know your stepson, just seeing him on weekends?” or “Don’t you want to adopt your *own* family, now that you’re married?”
The answers to these things are no one’s business, and they reveal a level of ignorance about what “family” means that is staggering. What hurts the most about it is that people think I’m less of a woman because I didn’t have kids of my own, or because I’m an evil stepmother who only has kids part of the time.
It’s not the career assumption — which I find appalling — but it fits under the “different must be lesser” category. And I think people who need to make those judgments are sad and insecure.
I truly believe that we’re heading into an era where it will be clearly evident that enlightened women run businesses better than men do. Or at least better than the men who are macho jerks or complete wimps.
Technology allows women to work from home where they can be as radiant and feminine as they please throughout their work day (without even getting dressed up) without the threat of being oinked on by macho jerk male co-workers who openly leer/comment . . . or the silent creepers who sneak their peeks and psychologically jump your bones whenever they get the chance. I can’t imagine how much psychic RAM is freed up in a woman’s mind when she works by herself or with women she loves, leaving the creativity and intuition river to flow unencumbered.
Mark my words, women working free from suppression of their femininity because they either work alone or only with women is something that I believe will come to light as an X factor of women who succeed at running businesses that kick some serious ass.
You would think as the number of women who travel as part of their professional life this would just go away. I started traveling with the “guys” and alone in the 70’s. I am married but don’t have children. So I am selfish according to the public on so many levels. I leave my husband alone, I don’t have time for children or I’m too self centered to have children, and you get it. Also, in those days it seemed unbelievable that a young woman could travel with the “guys” and still be faithful to her husband or him to her when she was away. I was considered by some as a philandering woman.
In June we will be married 38 years and we were together for 5 years before that. So we must be doing something right. My friends that don’t travel just want to know when I get the wash done, how I know what clothes I even have since some are packed, some in the wash, some at the dry cleaners, etc.
Years ago I adopted the statement of “This is the life I chose and I find a way to make it work for everyone in my life”. That usually shut them up. Like you said, it is really none of their business.
Hang in there and continue to do what is best for Amber.
Excellent article Amber! I feel for you. If only others could understand how it feels to have to leave your children to earn a living to protect, feed, care and give them a good life. I was raised by a single mother and I understand it now but it took many years. Do you feed your kids buckets of candy because they want it? No. You do whats best for your family and sometimes that is being away from them so they can have a future. The fact that we are questioned and judged more because of it is BS. I think it is a balance. If you were never home then we have an issue that will be rectified when your kid is on Doctor Phil Show yelling and blaming you for not being there 🙂
If you can not yet afford a traveling nanny and tutor like all the Hollywood millionaires then you do the best you can. True perfection is being human and doing the best you can. Being “perfect” doesn’t exist like we all think it does. Perfection really is being the very best we can and always improving while making mistakes. Better than that doesn’t exist.
I was talking with a comedian friend of mine who was recently in town. She has been on HBO and has a new prime time sitcom coming out. Travel issues and establishing roots with friends, family and being there for her kids is becoming a much bigger challenge for her. Is it right or wrong? Who can judge? It does come with this type of career but I guess knowing that doesn’t make it easier.
My mentor/therapist who inspired me to become a therapist once said “There is no right or wrong, only learning.” I’ve heard this a few times from great minds and it seems to be true. Feeling guilty about doing the best for you and your child would be negative to your life in my opinion and might require some counseling, but if you feel good about what you do then who cares what the others think. If you get a job at Walmart and cant afford a new car for your kids when they turn 16 and are home all the time, they are going to complain. If you do what you do now, make great money and can afford to buy them a new car, they will complain you were away too much when they were little. Us kids will always complain. So, do the best you can, love yourself, be compassionate for yourself about your mistakes and let the negative go as best you can. If you have trouble letting it go then ask for help 🙂
I read your blog and tweets and you seem like a great mom to me. Maybe traveling moms give more love than moms who are around all the time? Quality of “moming” not quantity 🙂
Amber, my first time commenting here, because this post hit such a strong resonance with me, my life, my beliefs. As a woman physician, who trained in the midwest in the 1970’s I could tell you a LOT about misperceptions of people, including the well-educated, high income folks we like to call enlightened.
I travel a bit now, about once a month for work, but with grown children, no one questions it any more. However, when my children were young, most of my time away from them was due to work within my city. I missed at least 50% of their bedtimes, but never missed an important event in their lives. One year, the school changed the date of a concert a week in advance, which meant I couldn’t get there, as I had organized my schedule so tightly, to accommodate all the other school activities (3 kids) that I nearly went ballistic when they changed it. I called the principal’s office and told him they were being unfair. Dead silence on the other end. People just don’t get it.
I, too, rarely accepted invitations that would keep me out of the house or away from my family, in my own city, because I preferred to be AT HOME when I didn’t have to be in the hospital. I am also an introvert. So alone time is critical.
Not so long ago, I was joining a new professional group. I walked into the room where the reception was being held (my husband accompanied me for once), and most of the physicians (80% men) AND THEIR WIVES were seeking out my husband, assuming he was the one joining the association. It is an organization that one can only join after reaching a certain professional title or standing, which explains why there are so few women who are part of it.Yet the assumptions that are still made, regarding who does what, and who should do what, amaze me, and indicate that we have not come as far as I would like to believe we have come.
So, yes, you need to keep voicing your observations and responses, because you do have a voice that many hear.
Thanks for the post.
Amber …I think you made a mistake in describing your position!
Based on what I hear between the lines in this write up …I believe you are “fiercely loving of the wonderful daughter …all the time …at home or not!”
As a divorced mom of a 6 year old, praise you for this honest post. I travel about 40% of the time so I too have felt all of these pains. Thanks Amber.
Your career and parenting choices aren’t anyone’s business but your own. If you choose to worry about what other people think, (or say, or write, etc) that’s your choice, too.
It’s incredibly hard to be a Mom, AND a working mom. I agree there is a difference between the perception of men and of women in this work/parenting respect. It’s a difference on the inside too though. I think we actually feel more guilty about it too. Not because we aren’t enlightened enough to know better but because we are animals and that guilt is a survival of the species instict. It kicks in from the second they’re born!
I love this article. Good for you despite of your busy schedule, you didn’t forget taking care of your daughter. Anyway, I use to do the same way too like I can’t even hang out for long stay party and if I ever there is an event, I must schedule this ahead of time. But still despite of being busy, I still love what I am. Cheers!