Making a few jokes at your own expense can be fun. It can break the ice with new acquaintances, get a chuckle from the crowd, show that you don’t take yourself too seriously, all of which can be good things.
Except when they’re not.
There’s a point where self-deprecating humor goes too far, and starts feeling as though you’re pandering for attention or fishing for compliments.
Where’s the line? It’s hard to say, and that tolerance and perspective would be different for everyone. But here are a few things you need to keep in mind when you’re making yourself the fallguy, especially when you’ve got a professional presence you’re trying to build.
Learn to Take A Compliment
When someone says something genuinely nice about you, a simple “Thank you so much” is more than fine. Occasionally it’s okay to poke a little fun at yourself, but if that’s your habitual way of responding to compliments, you might be inadvertently insulting the other person. When we say something nice about someone, we’re usually trying to demonstrate that we care, and that we noticed something that the other person should be proud of. A flip, sarcastic, or self-deprecating retort can really diminish the other person’s efforts, and make them second guess whether you’ve taken their thoughts to heart.
Confidence is Sexy (and Reassuring)
We’ve almost overcorrected when it comes to being sure of ourselves and accepting confidence in others. Sure, being arrogant isn’t pleasant. But being confident and self-assured is attractive, and gives people faith in a business context that you can do the job you say you can do. If you’re hiring someone for a role or a consultative/advisory position, you want the reassurance that they can stand tall and deliver on their promises. If you’re cutting yourself off at the knees by undermining your own abilities, how do you expect your customers and clients to believe in you and take you seriously?
Selling It Too Well
After a while, if you’re tearing yourself down enough and focusing on your shortcomings (look, we all have them), you just might succeed in focusing others’ attention in the wrong place. Call yourself disorganized or inept one too many times, even in jest, and we wonder if we should be looking a little more closely if we’re going to do business with you. Oft-repeated “I’m just kidding”s start to sound like you’re not so kidding after all, and that you just might be overcompensating or trying hard to cover up for something. What do you want people to believe about you?
I’m the last proponent in the world of taking work (or ourselves) too seriously all the time. And I’m way in favor of having a healthy sense of humor, because it’s saved my soul on so many occasions. But there’s definitely a point where I find myself uncomfortable around those that are constantly making themselves the butt of every joke, and I’ve learned my own lessons about tearing myself down. So while humor at our own expense is critical, I think it (like anything else) needs to be practiced in moderation.
Have you experienced this? Do you notice it when others are doing it? Are you a perpetual self-deprecator, and do you stand in defense of that tactic?
Curious to know what you think.
Great points, it took me awhile to learn to take compliments well. Sometimes I catch myself – especially the days when you are feeling less than splendid – poking fun at myself rather than saying thanks.
I am learning to walk the line. It's hard for me to take compliments and easy for me to take criticism, so I become uncomfortable when I get too many compliments at once or from the same person over and over again. I am comfortable with giving praise when it's deserved, so I'm trying to learn to gracefully accept praise as well as I give it – something that's never been easy for me, but an important lesson all the same.
Good article! I learned the hard way that by humorously tearing myself down every day did “succeed in focusing others' attention in the wrong place.” Now I feel like I have to dig myself out of a hole… AND find a new sense of humor. More people should read this and stop themselves before they start!
I'm definitely a self-deprecator, but I've learned that there are moments when self-deprecating makes everyone around you uncomfortable — and might actually end up inadvertently insulting someone nearby. Pardon my mini non-biz rant:
I've noticed that women in particular can't seem to help themselves from saying how “fat” they are or how they're “huge” when they eat something with a few calories in it. It doesn't matter if they're a size 4, 6, 8, or 10 sitting next to a size 20… they'll lay into themselves because it's a form of self-defense or self-loathing, without really considering what it says about anyone else nearby.
I had a friend who “ballooned” (her words, not mine) from a size 0 to a size 2, and while I understand that it frustrated her, she spent *all* her time making cracks about how “fat she was now”… without realizing that no one around her was smaller than a size 8. If she was fat, what were WE? Again, yes… we all have issues accepting our own bodies. But being aware of your surroundings is pretty important.
The craziest part? If anyone else (including people much larger than her) said anything about their bodies, she'd get furious that they'd put themselves down: “every size is beautiful!”
Now, none of that in particular has to do with business, but I find that a lack of self-awareness and lack of understanding of your surroundings definitely creeps into the rest of your life.
On a totally different note (because that last comment wasn't long enough :), I find false modesty in business really troublesome. Ever since I saw the trend of people tweeting out blog posts with “the comments are better than the post!”, I've found it to be a disingenuous trend. Yes, it may well be true often or frequently — and saying it once in a while is fine — but every time? Something like, “Loving the comments on this post” or “great ideas coming out in the comments — wish I'd had them in the post” seems to applaud commenters without falsely demeaning your own work. But now that it's what so many of the big bloggers do, now everyone says it to appear humble.
Also, I wish IMHO would go away. People say it to deflect a reaction, or to minimize the impact of a criticism, but as soon as I see it, I think, “if you have to say your opinion is humble, either you think I'm too inflammatory to take it, or you don't know how to express it humbly enough to make that clear.”
And now I am done ranting. 🙂
Now of course you realize how tempted I am to tweet that your comment is better than the post. 🙂
Great points. I wrote about the IMHO thing too. My perspective was a little different, encouraging people to just own their opinions and thoughts without couching them with an empty something. You might find the comments on that post interesting if you never saw them, because some vehemently defended their use of such terms in order to be more sensitive. Was an interesting discussion.
Thanks for the thoughtful points. And I've been guilty of making jokes about chubby at my own expense, which is part of what prompted this post, because I had a very dear friend point out to me how uncomfortable that could make other people. That helped me quit that very quickly.
That's the hard bit isn't it? But glad you recognized the issue and are working on the solution! We've all done it, so I'm sure you'll be back to rights in no time.
Good for you. It *is* important, especially in business. So keep at it (like we all have to) and recognize that those compliments are because someone wants you to see something they value. And if someone is going overboard, you can simply say “thanks so much for all the compliments, but now you're really making me self conscious. So can we move on to talk about the weather or something?” 🙂
Yep. We've all done that, including me. The important thing is to notice that you're doing it, and even if a joke at your own expense makes its way out, be sure it's buttressed with a sincere “thank you” to balance it out. 🙂
“We’ve almost overcorrected when it comes to being sure of ourselves and accepting confidence in others. ” This is so true. We've become a society deathly afraid of confidence. I think there can be a healthy balance of confidence and self-deprecation. Great thought-provoking post. I love to make light of myself, but this brings up a lot of ideas about how to do it the right way. No need to sacrifice your own strengths and personal brand!
I love this post and Meg – I love your analysis. I find it amazing how many smart, funny, confident women put themselves down and do it with such conviction it makes those around them uncomfortable.
I'm just as guilty about some of this – and this makes me take a step back and notice I'm using some self-deprecating crutches to avoid conflict, deflect a compliment, or just push the attention to someone more “deserving.”
Having people who can call you out helps. My husband once told me a gift to him would be to just accept the compliments he gives me. It made me realize I rarely did – but I'm working on it.
Thanks!
Ha! I'm going to start ending all my (infrequent) blog posts with, “Please don't mess this post up with dumb comments.”
As a larger woman, I think I'm always very conscious what my thinner friends think of my frame or my style or my choice of dish at dinner, but never more so when they bash the hell out of themselves. I still put myself down on occasion, but I try never to at meals, or when I'm shopping with friends… it just makes life too awkward.
Anyway, I love that you brought this whole thing up, both personally and professionally. It's really gotten me thinking.
Everything is relative. Having spent 11 years helping people lose weight, I've found that idea comes into play more than any other. One person's thin is another's fat, and you never know–just from looking at someone–where they've been or where they're going on that journey.
I used to be 50 pounds heavier than I am. Unless you know that about me ahead of time, most people don't assume when they see me that I would have some understanding of the intense issues that come into play when you are not the size that you want to be. But that's probably the one issue I'm more familiar with than any other, and is the lens through which I've developed most of my thinking about change.
But it's that assumption, “you wouldn't/don't/can't understand,” that seems to underlie just about all human defensiveness. And *that's* a realization that really has me thinking….
I turn naturally to self-deprecating humor, but I am working to temper that in the workplace, or at least try to keep it to non-work topics. It's hard to learn to accept a compliment, but it's a necessary skill to have. What I found is that the more I even jokingly mention my flaws, the more I focus on those internally as well. Before long, most of my internal dialogue starts with, “You're such an idiot…” Listening to how I speak to myself inside my own head (oh, don't you wish you were part of those conversations!) forces me to keep my weaknesses and my strengths in perspective, which leads to more confidence in my ability to, if not succeed, at least learn from my mistakes. And I've witnessed firsthand how much further a confident person goes than one who worries that they'll look stupid by speaking up.
Great article!
I am notoriously bad at accepting compliments. Compliments really make me feel uncomfortable. I have no idea why and I've been this way since my childhood. Within the past 6 months, I have been making a conscious effort to just say “Thanks” but it's still not easy.
It's a bit ironic though, because I LOVE complimenting other people and do it quite often.
Great article!
I am notoriously bad at accepting compliments. Compliments really make me feel uncomfortable. I have no idea why and I've been this way since my childhood. Within the past 6 months, I have been making a conscious effort to just say “Thanks” but it's still not easy.
It's a bit ironic though, because I LOVE complimenting other people and do it quite often.
The funniest things are funny because they are true. Wrong or right is irrelevant. Humor requires brutal honesty with oneself. With honesty comes humility.
This can translate into trust if one is sincere in digging at oneself. Wrapping self critique in bright colored wrapping paper is fine, but you can't hide the fact that 1) you are sincerely asking for a critique or 2) you are looking for attention.
If you attempt to force the joke, even on yourself, no one laughs. They only see the shallow attempt, and that's not funny.
I love that YOU'VE written this, because although we've yet to meet in person (and we need to change that considering we're both in the same city…), the you I know from Twitter is a very fun, spunky, questioning personality. Similar to how I see myself.
And that makes this post so much more meaningful to me. I'm guilty of some of these points myself and I feel like I'm capable of realizing when they're happening and harnessing them. But this is a good reminder to not cross that ever so blurry line.
I think there are very few situations where you want to completely self depreciate, outside of being Conan O'Brien. Thanks for the great thoughts, Amber. I find myself venturing over here more and more often, and I like it.
🙂
I used to use IMO or IMHO a lot. I don't anymore. Some people find self-deprecating humor as a sign of self-confidence, which is obviously is a good thing, but if taken too far or spoken at the wrong time, it can be bad.
David Letterman's made a career out of poking fun at himself and not taking himself too seriously. Being too serious can make others feel uncomfortable and being too aloof can also make people uncomfortable. Best to work on being the best you can be in your field (sharpening the proverbial saw), understanding your product/service (become expert in the benefits AND shortcomings of your product/service), receiving feedback from your customers (the only critics that really matter). This leads to confidence, which is “sexy and reassuring”…people tend to like sexy.
Nuff said.
Amber
It is not always easy to not poke fun at yourself as when you do not, people say, oh loosen up. There has to be a balance. I have learned that when someone gives a compliment, take it and be grateful and gracious. More will come when you have that attitude. No-one wants to hear over and over when they compliment someone a come back of a negative. I said something positive and you have to turn it around and make it a negative?
Meg has such a big point that rings so true. I am not a large person. I am short and some would kill to have my body frame. I am not happy with it as I know I can be thinner and much more physically fit. For me to say and go on about it does make people uncomfortable as it could be that I am fishing for a compliment or just being insulting to others. Body image is a big part of confidence.
A long time ago I had a boss who was a SOB. However he gave me the best advice ever. You see with him you were not allowed to complain about something without having a solution. You could complain after you solved the problem, issue, etc but never before. That I take with me as while I am not a fan of my body right now, what am I doing for it. NOTHING. So, until I make the change and start exercising again, I cannot make a comment about it.
As far as taking compliments, I take them and then see when or if I can give them back. I do not want people to feel uncomfortable around me. I prefer for people to think of me and smile.
@SuzanneVara
Very good post and a topic on my mind recently!
As an American living and working in Great Britain, I have really struggled with the overwhelming self-deprecation (and “others”-deprecation aka teasing) which occurs so commonly in the British culture. While I am definitely not perfect, in the States I was always pretty good at balancing self-confidence with self-awareness and poking fun at myself appropriately while also both giving and taking compliments easily. In the more understated, sarcastic and dry-witted British working culture, my self-confidence and high-levels of motivation are often mistaken with being either overly keen or disingenuous. Often I feel almost obliged to downplay my successes and poke fun at myself, and my co-workers – more so that I ever would be comfortable with doing back home. Here people who aren't modest and self-deprecating stick out above the parapet and hence are considered arrogant; people who talk about their successes without self-deprecation are either suspect or too American, or both. Compliments are doled out with restraint and cut-downs are delivered with zeal, yet both apparently signify that your co-workers admire or like you. Confusing enough?
The adjustment for me has been both aggravating and enlightening – a real challenge personally as it's in my nature to be overtly positive. One thing I've come to realise through the whole process is that I can't intrinsically change who I am emotionally in the workplace and as such, I will always be an “outsider” here. Thankfully I always have the “get out of jail” free card of being a Yank, so I'm not judged in the same way as everyone else. I just worry that when I do return to America one day, I'm going to go through this all in reverse yet again!
Great post… I love that it is a slight breakout from “Social media this, social media that” blog posts I seem to read. Totally has applications but overall just a great fun read!
Thanks for the inspiration Amber… http://thesteveozone.blogspot.com/2010/08/long-…
I have been a “jokester” from my middle school days ( a long time a go). I have a very sharp and somewhat quick sarcastic wit. However I temper it by showing that I turn it on my self more then others. I was recently told by a very sweet co-worker that she doesn’t like some of the comments the other co-workers say to me in an attempt to match my humor because they come off cruel. She said I know you laugh but doesn’t it bother you? I had to reply yes, sometimes. I’m not sure I know how to turn it off. When I’m quiet I get comments all the time, “like what’s wrong, are you mad” and feel much more at ease making people laugh, even if it’s at me……But I want to rise in my job level and feel that I may be my own worst enemy.