One byproduct of the beloved two-way conversation of the social web is that we all feel the urge to offer our “feedback”. Because we can, because it’s expected, because how interesting are we if we have nothing to add?
I love the freedom to express and share my viewpoint as much as anyone. But last I checked, no one died and made me czarina of all things that I discuss. Nor did I receive an invitation to always offer my opinion to someone just because the channel itself is available for me to use.
Back before the web, it would have been considered in poor taste to go around critiquing everyone and everything around you. “Holding your tongue” was sometimes a show of grace or at the very least, manners. What have we done with tact and restraint?
Having an opinion and a vantage point, especially backed up with thought and reasoning, is a blessing and the stuff that higher thought and breakthroughs are made of. But let’s all take a moment to remember that we weren’t the only ones bestowed with such things, and that our perspectives are based in on our assumptions, our biases, and our own unique viewpoints.
Just because we’re handed the raw flexibility of communication, however, doesn’t mean we always need to wield it. And gaining access to other humans through immediate, prolific, and sometimes tenuous connections on the web does not grant us permission to vomit our opinions all over those people simply by default. We still have to earn that right if we hope to have our thoughts taken to heart. It’s not an entitlement just because one of us clicks “follow.”
And when we’re communicating with one another outside of physical parameters, it’s critical to note that tone matters. Presentation and patience are key. Brevity for one is brusque to another, and blanket generalizations (especially those that include “you” or “they”) can leave you looking intolerant, stubborn, or elitist. Getting heard is as much about method and delivery as the substance of your thoughts.
We frequently critique the way others present themselves, but we spend proportionally far less time examining the way that we ourselves operate. But I think it’s really important. As Steven Covey would say, seek first to understand, then to be understood. That goes not just for shutting up and listening to others, but spending some time examining how we’re conducting ourselves in a new frame of communication reference.
For example, I’m as passionate as the next person about the work that I do online. Which means I can sometimes take comments too personally, or read into them in a way that the author didn’t intend. So I need to slow down sometimes, and reread or ask for clarification before I react defensively. I also have a tendency to come across as abrupt in my communication, and I overcompensate with smiley faces, so I need to work on refining my own tone and delivery a bit.
I’m not advocating that we all give way to the namby-pamby world of overapplied political correctness; heaven knows I believe in having an opinion and standing for it. But tolerance and patience are endangered species, I fear, and it’s far too easy to get caught up in our own ability to spew forth our thinking without a shred of humility, or without doing the work to assert said opinions in a thoughtful, refined manner.
So I’m encouraging us all to take a fall off our own high horse once in a while. A good face plant in the dirt can do wonders for your perspective.
Strange as it may sound, I look forward to a good debate and being proved wrong. It's in my makeup to see someone's idea (usually when they are putting it out as a 'this is how it is, period' tone) and attempt to break it down. Not out of ill will or ego deflation, but rather I've found that I learned the most by questioning those things I thought were 'resolute' in the past.
Mark Twain said it best: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
I'm with you on that one. I'm admittedly not always great at it, but I share your enthusiasm and interest for digging down to the roots of things and figuring out how they work. Love the quote too! 🙂
<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC “-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN”>
<html>
<head>
<meta content=”text/html; charset=UTF-8″ http-equiv=”Content-Type”>
<title></title>
</head>
<body bgcolor=”#ffffff” text=”#000000″>
It's been that way since I was a kid. I can't stand to know half of how
something works. I've actually gone so far as to not look into
something because I knew I couldn't stop until I knew everything I
could about it. It's a blessing and a curse.
<div class=”moz-signature”>
<div class=”Section1″>
<o:p> </o:p>
</div>
</div>
Amber,
What you write requires the ability to sit with yourself and your thoughts before offering them up (or spewing them out) to another. It seems, though, that people have forgotten how to do that in this “on demand” world.
No one has to wait any longer for much of anything and that has bred a way of thinking (or not) and acting that is more focused on meeting the need to “express” rather than the need to genuinely connect; a skill that requires listening, patience and the willingness to offer people the benefit of the doubt.
Your post, and your sentiments, are more indicative of our overall state of behavior and inter-personal interactions than mere blog comments or @replies on Twitter, would indicate, I fear. All the “netiquette” in the world can't replace the fine art of manners or the real work required to create, build and maintain relationships and as you pointed out, sometimes that ability only comes after taking a long, hard look at our own actions and assumptions.
🙂
Another great post, Amber! The best advice I have ever heard and I have to remind myself daily – be yourself. This is not license to spread your self-propelled brilliance on others but to simply not try and be something or someone you're not.
In our Lord of the Flies online world, many who claim there are no rules are often the loudest to speak up when one is broken. Speak your mind, be yourself and like the broadcast world (where I resided for two decades), we all have the option to turn it off.
All too often, the online channels in which many of us spend hours each day, we get the impression of a much more personal and personable relationship with people we may not really know deeply. That's okay as long as respect and decorum remain.
Stand for something, just don't stand on my opinion while you're publishing yours and in the case of Brass Tack Thinking – BRING IT and BRING IT OFTEN!
Thank you for the reminder and for re-introducing namby-pamby into my vocabulary.
It seems there are two types of people online: Those who divide people into two types and those who don't. Wait…. no, no… Those who feel the need to comment to add to, or further the conversation and those who simply wish to stir the pot of controversy.
Perhaps we should change “Comment” boxes to “Engage” or “Stimulate” because this whole social media gig only works when we are challenging each other through nimble and spirited dialog.
Of course, instead of falling off our high horse, we could simply get a shorter horse. But now I'm just stirring.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've had a hard time convincing clients of why blanket, non-personalized media pitches are not the optimal approach, why we should spend time testing emails or web pages, why content marketing rather than ads…. I very much have a “my way or the highway” approach to things when I believe in them strongly enough!
I haven't learned yet to temper my opinions right off the bat, so that I won't have to “test” future communications while I'm trying to repair damage. I tend to think that I go with “myself” when I'm talking to someone I barely know and can't gauge in person… erring on the side of passion rather than “nice,” which makes me look wishy-washy (I think).
Of course, informal communication (as opposed to article writing) has never been my strong suit; seems I'm always screwing something up. Articles are easier because I can write for an ideal reader, who is of course a product of my own mind!
I may need to start approaching email the same way I do phone interviews and article writing — on paper, in outline form, challenging my own assumptions!
Norcross, I am a lot like you in that aspect! I don't mind being proven wrong, but then I want to know the right answer to come with it, and I am not afraid of pulling out wikipedia or a dictionary and then saying “Oh, you're right, sorry.” But I cannot go without knowing.
Coming to twitter, on the other hand, I think there is a lot of things you just learn along the way and you have to be open to learn it. I “really” joined twitter only in May and I became addicted really quickly and I too tend to state my opinion or sometimes tweet what could be considered an obsolete thought. I hope I have never really been mean to anyone though (actually I hope its not ment for me being Amber's follower and loving @ responses… :D)
But experienced I have it too, when I saw that a follower of mine (very new, 100 tweets or something) posted something like “I don't think anyone is listening” and when I answered that for example I would be listening, but that conversation is even cooler it just takes a bit of time I got back a response that in between the lines said “what do I care if you listen, you don't even have 100 followers”. That was not nice. And in that aspect I agree with you Amber, just because its relatively anonymous and you can write what you want without looking the “real” person in the eye, doesn't mean you have to. If he didn't like my response he could have just shut up. Seriously.
I think the rapidness and the (in my opinion rather fake) anonymity of the internet leads to something like this quickly, and I think we have to make sure that when we take in feedback we don't just need to consider who its coming from (such as an honest friend, vs. a stranger who wants to be nice) but definitely as well through which channel it came (personal, letter, phone, email, text, twitter…).
And here I go. Stated my opinion again… Who wants to prove me wrong? 😉
[Off Topic]
PS: My name is Anna though I mostly use “Krisenkindt”… I have no clue how disqus thinks its Lilly (which is a nice name, don't get me wrong)…
Can I change that somehow or should I just create a disqus profile?
Sorry for the off-topic…
If you're not learning, you're not living. I 'preach' that often but I stand by it 100%. The social web, as you very clearly pointed out, creates a platform that 'allows' people to speak without consequence – it creates a community of people who hide behind their computer screen and use it as a shield – and thus act in ways they never would in real life.
It really is a blessing and a curse – the social interaction on the web has led to more learning and positive relationship building than I would have ever imagined. But Social Media can also create a series of soap-boxes where everyone is trying to have their opinion heard louder than the next.
Stopping to listen and ABSORB can and is much more valuable than sounding off every chance you get.
Sharing opinions is great – it's how we all learn and expand our perspective. But you said something that I COMPLETELY agree with, “Just because we’re handed the raw flexibility of communication, however, doesn’t mean we always need to wield it.”
In the words of the inimitable Chuck Klostermann, “I'm not sure that we aren't seeing the emergence of a society in which almost everyone who isn't famous considers themselves cruelly and unfairly unheard. As though being famous, and the subject of wide attention, is considered to be a fulfilled human being's natural state- and so, as a corollary, the cruelly unheard millions are perpetually primed and fired up to answer any and all questions in order to redress this awful imbalance.
I fear that most contemporary people are answering questions not because they're flattered by the attention; they're answering questions because they feel as though they deserve to be asked. About everything. Their opinions are special, so they are entitled to a public forum. Their voice is supposed to be heard, lest their life become empty.
This, in one paragraph (minus technology), explains the rise of New Media.”
…
Well said Amber. I can definitely relate to “I also have a tendency to come across as abrupt in my communication, and I overcompensate with smiley faces, so I need to work on refining my own tone and delivery a bit.”
Great thoughts here, Amber.
I agree with you that we abusing these channels is unnecessary, and as with any communication channel, we shouldn't assume we're always right.
I do believe having an opinion is extremely important. So many people today are more concerned with making everybody happy and being liked than actually standing for something. I do think these channels have improved discussion in this way and allowed people to more easily express their standings.
These channels can very easily be vomited upon though with thoughts and words that aren't very well crafted or emotions that didn't have a moment to settle. As with any channel, I think we need to be respectful and use some good old common sense when communicating.
Thanks for the discussion, Amber!
I think a few things are at play in this phenomenon:
1. We love seeing our own words in print.
2. We are removed from the person on the other end (much like when we're all in our own cars)
3. Print somehow legitimizes our opinions, so we feel endowed with expertise that we (mostly, in fact) do not have
Mix all those things together and “presto!” Instant troll! Just add internet!
People forget that words here are communication – it is received by someone, processed by someone. And we say things “here” that we would never say if the person was across a table from us, or say things in ways that we never would allow.
Communication is its own entity. It'll will bite if it's not handled properly.
Great topic Amber. It's been a while since I've checked in with you, but I've been thinking about you quite a bit lately as I've had some pretty amazing experience with horses in the last couple of months. I remember from a post earlier in the year that you are an equestrian yourself. You get extra awesome points for that, btw. 🙂
The title of this entry jumped out at me and after reading it, I was reminded of my recent experience where I learned a lot about my own behavior through my interactions with horses. One of the big areas I got some help on was on boundaries – I simply had none. I didn't realize it until I was in a corral with 4 horses that felt they could run all over me (and they did). I learned quickly how my body language and simply communicating my intention changed the dynamic between us. This thinking can be applied to online 'feedback' as well. When we are clear and honest with ourselves about our intention, we have the opportunity to direct our energy in a positive manner and communicate in a much more effective way. The outcome depends on our own awareness and intention with our communication.
I was fortunate enough to learn this lesson from some very special horses recently. I hope this perspective helps.
By the way, I love Paul's idea of changing 'Comment' to 'Engage' or 'Stimulate' – that is a killer idea!
One of my life mantras: “Assume you're wrong, even when you know you're right.”
Hi Amber, one of my favorite movie quotes goes right along with this thought – it's from Jurassic Park when Dr. Malcolm is talking to John Hammond about the dinosaur embryos. Everyone else is excited about them, and Dr Malcolm says, “John your scientists were so worried about whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think about whether or not they should.” Just because you 'can' do something doesn't mean you need to 🙂 I'm like you as well; tend to take things personally. I read a book a few years ago by Joyce Meyer called Approval Addiction that really helped me get over that (I should probably go back and re-read it now), & I also apply a 24 hour rule to responding to critical/opinion-laden notes or posting blog posts. There have been a few times where what I've written either gets revised or completed deleted because after reading what I wrote in the heat of the moment I realized that it would only fuel a fire. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic!
Hi Amber, one of my favorite movie quotes goes right along with this thought – it's from Jurassic Park when Dr. Malcolm is talking to John Hammond about the dinosaur embryos. Everyone else is excited about them, and Dr Malcolm says, “John your scientists were so worried about whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think about whether or not they should.” Just because you 'can' do something doesn't mean you need to 🙂 I'm like you as well; tend to take things personally. I read a book a few years ago by Joyce Meyer called Approval Addiction that really helped me get over that (I should probably go back and re-read it now), & I also apply a 24 hour rule to responding to critical/opinion-laden notes or posting blog posts. There have been a few times where what I've written either gets revised or completed deleted because after reading what I wrote in the heat of the moment I realized that it would only fuel a fire. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic!