Note: I shared this anecdote on LinkedIn the other day and the response has been strong and passionate, so I wanted to share the story here, too. I hope it connects with some of you who have experienced similar things. xo
During my job search in early 2018, I found a really mean-spirited post about me on LinkedIn.
It was from a person to whom I’d never been anything but nice, and had known from working with him tangentially at past companies. But he slammed my career (and the careers of others), basically saying I was mediocre and overrated. And he made a point to tag me and the others in the post so we’d be sure to read it.
I’m not sure why he posted it, but it hurt when I was already doubting myself after a lay-off – my second layoff in as many years – and in a seemingly an endless and sometimes demoralizing search for a new role.
But here’s what I learned.
I’ve been carrying around a mental suitcase full of the shitty things people have said to or about me. For years, like a weighty, clunky collection I drag behind me everywhere I go.
People have regularly – and publicly – slammed my weight, my appearance, my intelligence, my laugh, my work, and more. It’s heavy. It’s painful. And more than once I’ve felt like changing course or giving up because I started to believe the terrible things people said. (I’ve even made my own mistakes channeling that pain into saying unkind things about others, albeit not publicly like this, but that confessional is for another post).
But somehow, in all these years, I haven’t also brought along the truckload of *amazing* things people who matter a lot more to me have said over the years. People who have demonstrated that they care and invested in me as a human, but whose kind words and support were more easily dismissed.
Part of letting go of the burden of consistent and repeated self-doubt was to STOP lugging around the crummy comments of people who haven’t earned the space they’re taking up in my head.
Instead, we owe it to the people who love and support us (and who demonstrate that support with their words and actions) to invest in THEIR words, not the words of small people. Otherwise, we’re saying their feelings and opinions somehow matter less than those who want to hurt us. That’s hopelessly backwards.
I’m sharing this because I hope that you too can quit carrying around the extra baggage. Set it down. Stop letting unkind people rent space in your head. And make room instead for the whole world of people waiting out there to cheer you on.
There are more of them out there than you think. And they’re the ones who deserve your attention.
I am always stunned when I hear of people bashing others in such a public forum, but good for you for turning this into a lesson and sharing it with others who look to you for some informal, unspoken mentorship. I being one of those.
Hi Julia! I’ve had an unfortunate front row seat to a lot of this, and it’s really baffling. But I am really glad it taught me a few things, and that you found it helpful. Thanks also for the kind words…I’m always glad if I can be useful in this weird and broad digital world. 🙂
I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Stoics lately, and your approach reminded me of theirs.
When someone has a strong opinion about something, it usually says more about them than it does about whatever or whomever the opinion happens to be about. We can only worry about what is within our control, and their opinions are theirs alone to deal with.
“Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and, in a word, everything not of our own doing. Even more, the things in our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unobstructed, while those not in our control are weak, slavish, can be hindered, and are not our own.” – Epictetus
It’s how you handle yourself and move along that matters.
“Success comes to the lowly and to the poorly talented, but the special characteristic of the great person is to triumph over the disasters and panics of human life.” – Seneca
So, you’re in good historical company. Keep on keeping on.
I love that I can always count on you to bring something fascinating to the discussion. I haven’t studied the stoicism stuff much, but now I’m intrigued to look into it further.
I think the “how we handle ourselves and move along” is really the crux of it all, but it can also be the hardest. Shame spirals can be infinite, and when we get trapped in self-loathing patterns, it’s so much easier to show up as less than our best selves. I know for so many years, the pain and rejection and failure I was feeling made me not always handle myself well, nor move on easily.
Personally, I had to do a LOT of work through therapy and other self-healing stuff so that I could be whole enough to actually show up and handle myself well so that I COULD move on. We often talk about how our reactions to things are what matter, but we have to be in the right spot to have healthy reactions to begin with.