I have a confession to make.
I was a social media novice once. I was even a bit of a purist.
A few years ago, I was really just trying to understand all of this. I caught hold of some voices that I thought had a solid understanding, and I listened. Sometimes, I bought what they were saying simply because I didn’t know any different, or because they had the air of authority when I was still trying to find my footing.
Sometimes I tucked myself in with a group because I felt safer amongst like minds when I wasn’t sure enough of my own convictions. I fussed about folks “doing it wrong”, even pulled the indie-band-goes-mainstream thing, discounting the voices of people who were well known simply because it wasn’t cool to listen once they’d built a following.
So much of that has changed. Time, experience, and a few hard lessons helped (and I’m sure more of those are yet to come). The difference between where I was then and where I am now is a combination of a few things.
1. The willingness to believe that I might just be missing something.
2. The openness to hear voices and ideas that weren’t my own.
3. The strength to believe in my own mind and heart.
4. The confidence to walk away from ideas and people that were consistently negative.
5. The conviction that it was perfectly okay to change my mind.
Surrounding yourself with learning and ideas is healthy. Scary, sometimes, but healthy. And it’s okay to look at the conventional wisdom (or even the unconventional), decide that it doesn’t suit you, and use it as a foundation to forge something new.
We’re all recovering somethings.
We’ve all been somewhere where we had it wrong, or were a bit misguided, simply didn’t have all the information, or needed an attitude adjustment. And that, my friends, is perfectly okay. I imagine that two years from now, we’ll all be able to say this all over again from a different vantage point. We’ll have changed our mind several times over, challenged our own assumptions, and had others point out where we might need to rethink or consider a different perspective.
The difference between a career jackass and an effective agent of change is that the latter learned humility, temperance, and grace along side their persistence.
As a whole, we need to do a better job of rewarding the journey and the evolution of people and their ideas instead of simply shooting them where they stand. Tolerance and curiosity can be the enemies of defensiveness, of blind conviction, of misdirected anger. Presuming that criticism is designed to point out potential flaws, weaknesses, or gaps in thinking, we owe it to one another (and ourselves) to buttress our critiques with alternatives and ideas in the interest of improvement and growth.
Humans have an amazing capacity to adapt to their environment, to evolve their thinking, to refine their ideas and forge new paths. But we need to give that change some space to breathe. If no one had given me a chance to learn, I might have given up, or simply stood in the only ground I knew, piling up the walls around me to protect what was familiar and comfortable. But the wisdom, patience, and thoughtful discussion from friends and colleagues gave me space and courage to stretch my mind, and hopefully help others do the same.
We’re all recovering somethings. Look around you, and before you tear something down, consider how you might use those same bricks to help build something new.
The difference between a career jackass and an effective agent of change is that the latter learned humility, temperance, and grace along side their persistence.
Love that, Amber. Great post, as usual. Have a great weekend!
Well said, Amber. It is amazing realizing how far you can go when you look back at where you started with something. With technology and new media, in particular, there is a bit of a shorter curve, but the game is constantly changing and there are always new things to be learned even by the experts.
Recovering and helping build something new are very strong points and I think beliefs like that are the reason certain genuine people such as yourself have become authorities in your field. That way of thinking is contagious and is a benefit to all.
It's funny how the evolution of an idea, or the act of leaving one idea behind for a better idea, inspires so much frustration in people. Shifting your perspective in a different direction makes you a hypocrite. Changing your mind makes you untrustworthy. Acclaiming a notion (or even an individual) you had previously rejected or misunderstood makes you an ass-kisser.
When really, the inability to do any of those things is a much greater problem.
Conviction is a powerful motivator and source of comfort, but sometimes convictions can and should evolve — or even do a 180. And not as a result of weakness or wishywashiness, either — rather, as evidence that the pursuit of truth and understanding is something that shouldn't ever cease, and as evidence that even our most dearly held beliefs deserve to be explored and questioned and reexamined on occasion.
However, I was complaining on Twitter today about the notion of a “devil's advocate” — the person who aggressively takes on the opposite side of any debate, ostensibly to get to the truth of the matter. While exploring both sides of a debate is absolutely foundational to debate, the assumption that opposing arguments line up that cleanly and that attacking a notion is key to proving it ignores the large gray area that often exists between the two sides — and that gracious discussion often yields more powerful results than slugfests.
It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to evolve. It's okay to question. It's okay not to be sure, even if you were sure before. It's even okay to criticize. But in order to make all those okay things REALLY okay, we have to be willing to let other people evolve without attacking them, to receive and process their evolution without feeling attacked ourselves — and demand the same consideration in return.
I enjoy reading your posts, Amber; you're a wonderful writer. This post is so right on!
I was listening to the most recent Six Pixels podcast, when Mitch Joel remarked that he has a hard time responding to comments on his blog when he feels the person is way off, does not have the necessary basic understandings of what is being discussed, etc. My thought when hearing that was…”Gee, I'm no expert at all of this. I'm just trying to learn my way, model the best, and follow my instincts. I wonder if he (or anyone else whose blog I comment on) has ever thought that about me? Am I one of *those* people?” And, I don't want that to be a criticism of Mitch. It was just my initial reaction. I actually really like both his blog & podcast.
While I completely understand that there is not always time to correct and educate others (I mean, those are two reasons Seth Godin doesn't allow comments, right?), I think many people greatly appreciate when others take the time to acknowledge them and say, “This is where you're off a bit…” or, “Spot on.”
Great post, Amber. It's nice to know people out there recognize that we're all at different points on our journeys.
Love this post! So many people are automatically against others who aren't afraid to speak from their hearts. There are people who aren't in the “cliques” who have valuable information to share. Cliques like to keep you quiet, keep you down, in the status quo. There is value to cliques, in that you get invited to the chi chi parties, but you have to devalue people who aren't in the cliques. The people outside the cliques can't get in because they don't fit the mold. They don't do things the “right” way. It is precisely this rebellion that feeds growth. You can buy into what “they” are saying, or be a brave renegade who makes your own rules, regardless of what “they” think. I for one, prefer the latter.
I find that having kids and watching how they learn has been great for this. It has really show me a path to understanding and patience that in the past I did not always have with adults.
Great Post!
Humility, temperance and grace are three great human attributes we all should strive to cultivate. Along with patience. (I remember a prayer that goes something like, “God, I need patience, and I need it now.”) Taking the longer view of life, work, career, relationships also helps. Yet another great post. Thank you.
Great post as usual Amber! Thanks for sharing.
Fantastic! This is true in so many categories. I love “But we need to give that change some space to breathe.” I firmly believe change continually happens whether I like it or not.I have some control in how I respond and adapt to it. Some changes are smooth, some are painful. I agree we all need the necessary space and patience to work it out.
…. being in the flow with the system and yet see the leverage and lead others to see themselves and act upon, that is what a true change agent is (in my point of view;-))
This is a brilliant observation, and although the first bit sets it up as a comment specifically related to social media, I think it's much more broadly applicable. As in, Life Wisdom. 🙂
I'm learning that quite often “healthy” and “scary” go hand-in-hand…
and the “healthy” is always worth the “scary”. 🙂
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i can totally relate to this….”Sometimes I tucked myself in with a group because I felt safer amongst like minds when I wasn’t sure enough of my own convictions. I fussed about folks “doing it wrong”, even pulled the indie-band-goes-mainstream thing, discounting the voices of people who were well known simply because it wasn’t cool to listen once they’d built a following.”
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and now, I completely agree with this…”Surrounding yourself with learning and ideas is healthy. Scary, sometimes, but healthy. And it’s okay to look at the conventional wisdom (or even the unconventional), decide that it doesn’t suit you, and use it as a foundation to forge something new.”
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Great post, thanks!
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It's also about time and energy. Those specific comments are not the norm and people within the community usually jump in and realign the comment, etc… It's a little bit like reading a negative review for a product and when you get beyond the 1-star rating you can tell (by the semantics) that the person is a bit “off the wall”.
That being said, I'm doing my best to “play” some more in my comments and I'll see how that plays out.
You bring up a good point about people in the community jumping in. I would imagine that, the larger the readership is, the more the owner of the blog has to rely on those people to drive the conversation, correct each other, bring in new ideas, etc.
Amber: Thank you for this. I'm working hard on #1, #3, #4, and #5 – especially #3 and #4. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone….
DJ Waldow
@djwaldow
Well said Amber. My favourite line out of the whole article “As a whole, we need to do a better job of rewarding the journey and the evolution of people and their ideas instead of simply shooting them where they stand.”
We get are so scared with failing and the bad taste it leaves in your mind temporarily. But looking at the bigger picture, those failures is the fuel to later light your high levels of productivity, ambitious and bold decisions and overall confidence. Dealing with obstacles effectively and overcoming them is something that no one wants to deal with but very necessary.
Exactly what I needed to read as I dive into the weekend 🙂
Great post, Amber (per usual), thanks! Reminds me of a song I recently discovered by Paul Thorn titled “You Might Be Wrong” (heard it on NPR recently and added it to my collection). Good stuff!
Well said, Amber. Well said.
I echo the “great post” sentiments. While I certainly won't claim to have articulated it nearly as well to myself during my periodic periods of self-introspection, I'd like to think I've come to a similar set of realizations over the past couple of years.
I would like to add an observation to the conversation: one that comes from my own personal journey. Perhaps it is best articulated as a #6, following your first five:
6. The compassion and empathy to understand and appreciate that not everyone else approaches their life in this manner.
I'd say that over the past six months to a year I've moved ascertaining a colleague's adherence to your described way of thinking to near the top of my “list of things I need to understand about you”. If one is not approaching their work from this perspective it can indeed be unnerving to hear someone challenge, even in a friendly manner, your assumptions.
Jason –
So happy you added #6. I've been learning that as well. I tend to get pretty fired up (excited, passionate, etc) about certain topics … sometimes just life in general … and have to constantly remind myself that not all share that energy. And, if they do, they don't always share it in the same way or at the same time.
DJ Waldow
@djwaldow
Amber, I appreciate your honesty and humanness in this post. I too am a recovering “they're doing it wrong” consultant. The great part is, I'm meeting more and more folks like this!
love this post. and it ties in so nicely with the current chapter from “switch” that i'm reading re: fixed and growth mindsets. luckily, we can switch from one to another. or move from a career jackass to an agent of change.
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Very inspiring post Amber. In my case, I shied away from referring to myself as “social media anything!” because I was so worried I'd come off sounding silly. I've actually only just come terms with the fact that what I do is legitimate, significantly important and beautiful.
(Plus – you've inspired be to start blogging again! Thank you!)
I'm constantly open to learning, to be proved wrong, to be proved right and to changing my perspectives on what I've learned so far. And as you say that can be a scary thing which is why some days it seems harder than others to put yourself out there, do what you believe in and challenge your own assumptions.
Keep on challenging us to think outside our own world Amber, we need it.
So true! Effective agents of change know humility, temperance, grace and persistence. Thank you!
Amber,
One thing that I am learning daily from my involvement with Twitter is that there are so many people with so many different perspectives out there, and yet we can almost always find a common thread to talk about or spring from. I agree that we need to allow others, AND ourselves, the latitude to explore and learn and grow.
Greg