One of the prevalent thoughts about the social web is that if you post something, you’re inviting commentary and critique from the people that will see it.
Many also think that opinions are the fuel for the social web.
On a technicality, I suppose I would agree. On the basis of human behavior and common courtesy, however, I take issue with this idea.
The social web has taught us, very unfortunately, that if we think something, we should say it.
I don’t know about you, but my parents, teachers and employers over the years taught me otherwise.
I am opinionated, often vocal about it, and more than once it has gotten me into plenty of trouble. I’ve also regretted popping my mouth off when I really would have been better served to let something go.
Just because you have a critique about someone’s new project doesn’t mean it needs to be the first thing you say, especially publicly in the first hours that it launches (especially something as subjective as “I don’t like the colors on your website”, as I observed this morning).
Because you’re observant enough to spot the typo in someone’s book, what does pointing it out accomplish? Typos exist in every book, and publishers don’t reprint books because of them. Instead, try a sincere “congratulations” to the author for such a huge accomplishment.
You may have studied that subject for five years, but stop yourself from stealing someone else’s moment in a conversation to demonstrate just how much more you know about it. No one likes the know-it-all at the table.
Resist the urge to use other people’s work for the “yes, but…” technique to layer on your smarts, your opinion, or your commentary all the time and then call yourself a “contrarian”. You’re not a contrarian, you’re preening for the crowd. Go write your own content and create something of its own merit, then put forth the effort (and vulnerability) to respond to your own critics.
Sometimes, you can just be gracious and say “Awesome! Happy for you,” or “Good job!” or “Thank you”. Even “I understand, thanks for the discussion” or “Really appreciate how much effort you put into this” if you can’t manage a compliment. And let that be that.
Just because you can say it, doesn’t mean you should.
On a social web that is full of millions of opinions, insults, words, rants (like this one), criticisms, and all around jackassery, it can make a giant difference to demonstrate the most amazing and difficult skill of all.
Knowing when silence is golden.
Being kind and gracious — or quiet — doesn’t really take more effort than being critical. But I think we need encouragement now more than ever. To point out the good in what people are doing, not just where they’ve failed. To exercise discretion and not take an open web as a license to spew out every thought that enters our heads without regard for other people because it’s our “right” to do so.
We are all hungry for inspiration and look all around us to find it. We talk about how much we crave original thought, interesting perspective, and different ideas yet we can be really unkind to the people brave enough to create them and put them out there.
Truth is, all the inspiration we want is there if we’re willing to see it.
And if we’re willing to surrender the spotlight — and our own opinions — for a moment to let that inspiration come from someone else.
May I add one related footnote that’s been on my mind, Amber? Also, please give the speaker or the blogger the benefit of the doubt when they cannot present a perfectly balanced, nuanced, and infinitely-qualified thought piece. It’s incredibly difficult to make just one point clearly (in a short allotted time and space), let alone deal with the pressure to provide so many caveats and contextual explanations that ultimately nothing really gets said. Assume the writer/speaker is not a dunce, and probably feels even more frustrated than you do that they can’t possible be perfectly balanced with every statement. OK, rant over…
That’s a GREAT point, Steve, and one well-taken. Thanks for adding it.
Holler. This. And…I love you.
Love you back.
Great post!
Thanks, Donna.
Good post! My rule is that if I wouldn’t say to someone’s face, don’t say it. I think most people welcome constructive criticism if it’s actually something that can be changed in the future, but phrasing is also key.
Something like, “Great site! I’d love to see a tab so I could find (whatever) more easily” is probably okay, but “I can’t navigate on your stupid site” is not!
I think *how* you say something is every bit as important as what you say. Intent matters a great deal, but if you have all the best intentions in the world and you still can’t manage to express yourself with compassion, patience, or at least some semblance of respect, all those intentions won’t matter a lick.
Great reminder of the power of encouragement and the energy drain of critique lacking appropriate filter
The web has removed a lot of our filters, and we’ve taken advantage of that to a great degree. We’ll use a keyboard to say things we’d never say in a personal encounter and while some of that is awesome, it’s a double-edged sword that needs a mindful hand.
Great post and something I occasionally need a reminder about (like you, I’ve had plenty of situations where I was in trouble for having too much (or perhaps too loud) an opinion.
I had a very recent example of this when I launched a new business and published it on my Facebook page. An old boss wrote a comment that basically said “Congratulations. I hope you know what you’re getting into – running a consulting business is really hard.” I wanted to say “Thanks, I didn’t think of that,” but decided on discretion instead and said nothing. (But I also hid her post because it made me feel sad every time I read it. Of course I know what I’m doing. You don’t decide to start a business without thinking about it first).
That’s a perfect example, Mardee. One of those moments when a “Congratulations!” would have done just fine. Good for you for hiding it if it made you feel badly, though. Many people don’t even do that much for themselves, and it’s great to just push that stuff out of sight and out of mind.
And congratulations on the launch of the new business! Wishing you much success.
Thanks for this awesome article. Especially the statement, “Go write your own content and create something of its own merit, then
put forth the effort (and vulnerability) to respond to your own critics.” — YES!
With that said, I get bummed out when everyone’s saying “way to go — good for you — look at you go!” — Getting constructive feedback lights me UP and shows me that others are TRULY paying attention… not just blowing smoke up my ass. — Many cheers!
Hi Erin – I absolutely still value constructive feedback. I just think there’s a time and a place for it, and knowing what that is requires a bit of discretion.
Well said Amber! To your point of “yes, but…” a friend of mine recently told me to replace every “but” I want to say with an “and”. “But” is negative, where “and” is additive, riffs on an idea and supports the originator. It an interesting exercise and one that I often leverage in my own writing, especially in e-mails, to my (and my readers’) benefit.
Keep the thoughts coming!
Nice, Amber.
Now I’m not sure if I should say this…. or not… ?
i delete far more than i ever share and that seems a wise ratio for me.
Love it, Ms. Naslund.