I had a bit of an epiphany this last year.
Contentious discussions can be stressful for the best of us. Some people are formally schooled in the art of debate, and I am not one of them, so often I blamed my discomfort in confrontation or extended debate on the fact that I really wasn’t sure how to do it properly.
Even watching debates online between other people makes me cringe. (At some point I realized that it was more because those ended up being mud-slinging, juvenile name calling fests more often than actual discussions or intelligent debates about valuable topics. But I digress.)
I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to dive into the fray and start some kind of argument or throw myself straight into the middle of a heated debate or discussion. It also crept into my personal life, because discussions that were…uncomfortable often led me to be much more upset than the topic itself actually warranted. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.
Then it hit me one day.
I can’t remember what prompted the introspection, but it struck me hard and has stuck with me ever since. And as a result, it’s actually made me much more effective in my writing, my work, and it’s making me much less panicky when I find myself in a discussion that’s uncomfortable or difficult. I’m not perfect at it yet, but the awareness of it helps. My breakthrough?
I need time to process things. Sometimes a lot of time. And I need to ask for that time or take it for myself.
Sometimes, what bothers me is that something bothers me, but I can’t figure out what it is. That gnawing, back-of-your-mind feeling that comes with feeling something askew but not being able to put your finger on it. And in the midst of a discussion with someone, you can feel a bit like an ass when you say “you know, something about this isn’t sitting well with me, and I need some time to think about what that is or why.”
Especially when tweets are flying or the Facebook or blog comments are piling up, and I promise you text is your (read: my) worst enemy because it lacks every bit of the body language and facial expression that comes with talking with someone in person. It’s also the time when real-time works against you, because it implies a certain pressure to think and respond now, not later once you’ve taken some time to think.
The internet especially is fraught with quips and witty retorts and know-it-alls that have the answer to everything in a given moment. It can make you feel a bit like if you don’t have an instant answer, you’re slow on the uptake somehow.
The truth is, though, when I practice slow thinking, it makes all the difference.
The issue at hand can be the answer to a business problem, or figuring out my stance on a political or social issue, or understanding the reason why something someone said or did hurt my feelings personally.
Reflection itself has a few benefits, from cool-off time to the ability to let thing sit and process for a while, like steeping tea leaves. Sometimes I notice something I didn’t before. I notice that I didn’t say something or make myself clear enough, something that might have made the conversation easier, and I know to be more articulate and specific next time.
Other times I can spend slow thinking time gathering more information to help guide my thinking (and therefore realize where the gaps are in my knowledge or facts), which in turn helps me ask better questions. Once in a while, I realize that I was bothered by something or confused by it or sidetracked simply because I was short on sleep, or distracted by something else, or not in the right frame of mind to think through everything in that moment.
In short, my epiphany was that I need to think more slowly sometimes, not more quickly. And that I’m often better off, better educated, and more open to information, input, and alternative knowledge when I step back, think slowly, and breathe.
Small thing, but big impact for me. Maybe it’ll help you, too.
Yes, this. I’ve always said it takes me a while to jump into a debate because I want to be certain of my stand. Generally, once I’ve taken the time to do the internal debate and processing, I’m comfortable with my stand and will defend it heartily. But until that happens, I’m usually the one on the sidelines asking questions and watching other people make their points.
When it gets nasty, I’m gone. No new info will come in once it’s personal.
“I need time to process things. Sometimes a lot of time. And I need to ask for that time or take it for myself.” I like how you said this, and I certainly can relate. I’m not bothered by debates or conflict, it just takes me longer sometimes to process things. I’ve learned there is wisdom in taking that time, and I typically come back to the situation with a stronger understanding of the value I can add to the situation. Thanks for your post!
There is so much power in slow – it is gratifying to see how people are truly discovering it! Thx for this post!
Amber, I came to pretty much the same epiphany this past year, when I felt like people were too focused on my weaknesses and I wondered why I was allowing it. Realizing that slow thinking and analysis is one of my strengths was part of that. It makes me a better blogger and a better consultant, and I’m working on building it into my services.
That said, I do find I enjoy debate when I know enough about the topic at hand. I can still be open to learning something without looking like a total fool, and I enjoy it when I’m able to find common ground with the “opposition.” I try to pick my debates as a result.
Thank you for sharing! I’m also someone who likes to know (or feel like I know) the facts before I go head first into an argument – and as a result you do get left behind by people who say whatever comes to their mind. They always come across as the smarter, more ‘with it’ person. Your post has made me realise it’s important to acknowledge that that kind of thinking isn’t fulfilling for me, and that I can, and should, do it my way 🙂
I love it. It’s like the slow food movement, but with thinking.
I work with a lot of quick thinkers. They are the people that have a witty response on the end of their tongue before anyone has even said a word that requires one. I learned a long time ago that I don’t operate that way. I think about what has been said to me for as long as I need to before I formulate a response. I find that when I am trying to keep up with those quick wits is when I am at my worst. I am not listening, just trying to think of what to say next. That is not the way I want to operate.
Thanks for this post, Amber! Sometimes things are said (or typed) so quickly that a quick response will so often be the wrong one (at least in my experience). Hearing someone else say it’s okay to take some time makes me feel better!!
This post came to me at the moment when I was taking myself to task for making a quick decision about something (it involves losing my phone and replacing it before I was certain it was really gone – read $600 poorer).
I’ve never thought of it as “slow thinking” but I have always been able to figure out the right solution to a problem by “sleeping on it”. My experience has been that almost every time that I do that, I end up with the better solution. And, research shows that your brain is actually working on problems as you sleep (hence the term). If only I had “slept on” my decision to replace my phone.
Love this, I totally relate – it takes me at least 10 minutes to write a 5 word e-mail lately!
I was often put off in Plato’s dialogs, because it seemed Socrates always had the answer immediately. I think there was one where he says ‘let me think about this a bit.’ I often get the feeling that there is something wrong with a position without being able to specify why that is, without a long time to analyze the original statement. I do better talking with others rather than thinking about it on my own.
Since you’re a successful professional, you’re probably pretty good at thinking, reacting, and speaking quickly. But I agree with your main point, and usually believe that just because you can, doesn’t mean you *should*.
One of the things that’s worked out best for me is speaking slowly. Of course I get going fast when I’m passionate about a topic or rambling on something I know a lot about, but by and large, both in casual conversations or important meetings, I find that it helps to speak slowly, and don’t worry about feeling rushed. It gives you some of that added time you sometimes need to process things, and it actually makes you *seem* more intelligent most of the time as well. And sometimes that comes in handy, especially when you’re out of your element. 🙂
I know exactly what you’ve gone through because I am one those who simply needs to more time to digest and think, aka a slow thinker. Alas, there are times when I hope I can be more like the people I know whom can seemingly think on their feet. But I guess each has its own merit and demerit points, it’s just a matter of how we turn around our weaknesses and put our strengths to good use. Thanks for sharing!
Amber, fantastic insight. Another great “slow down” reminder. There are times for the Blink type responses, but more often than not we’re better off with the considered approach you’re espousing. Definitely sharing this post.
Great insight. Good you have come to realize this. I noticed this too. I tend to simmer to a boil with answers and questions. I like to do research also and like to look at all sides of a debate or issue. Oh and I agree, distractions and lack of sleep are big problems with me too. Thank you for this article.
Definitely agree on this post. Slow thinkers has the advantage of thinking what supposed to be done before they say or do it. This will lessen the errors. Not all things should be fast, sometimes we need to slow down.