Ordinarily, I’d “save” this kind of post for my personal blog. But not today.
Today, we lost a man to suicide, and his name is Trey Pennington. His loss is painful, indeed. In fact, it’s angering. It feels hopeless and impossible and like so many things, we wish it could have been prevented had we just seen it.
But depression is a wily beast. It is not obvious. It is not kind, nor is it bold. It is not friendly, or social, or like to make itself known in our most intimate circles. It is a foe that we cannot hope to best if not for our own diligence in seeking it out and destroying it.
Trey, I grieve for you. For your family. For the friends that loved and will miss you, and there are clearly many, both online and off. I cannot claim to be one of those that knew you best, but I can only say I knew you some, and I liked you so much from instant one. I am truly aggrieved that we should need to move on without you, whose spirit infected the very room you were in. You were a good man, in a sea of those that pretend to be. The balance is indeed amiss.
My friends, the War Against Hopelessness is real. It is there, next to you, in the most unexpected places. It is real for so many people who cannot and don’t know how to ask for help.
Depression does not want us to be the best we can be. It does not want us to be ourselves “in spite” of what happens around us. It wants to win. To bury us. To drown out the light and leave only darkness in its wake. And today, it won. At. All. Costs.
Please know that asking for help is not easy. Giving help is not easy, and it is not reserved for those who know you best. Asking for the truest, most survival-nature of help is impossible in the best of circumstances is the hardest thing you will ever do. And giving it, even for someone you aren’t at all sure you know, is the most selfless act you can commit.
Please listen. Please ask. Please intrude. Please hear. Please know that hope is there, even when you cannot for the life of you see it through another’s eyes. Please give it, even when you aren’t sure at all that it’s needed. Please. Please.
Trey, may you find the rest and peace you seek. You will be missed.
“Please know that asking for help is not easy. Giving help is not easy, and it is not reserved for those who know you best. Asking for the truest, most survival-nature of help is impossible in the best of circumstances is the hardest thing you will ever do. And giving it, even for someone you aren’t at all sure you know, is the most selfless act you can commit.” — Amber, we blogged about very similar things. I have intervened on behalf of a friend. I have been turned away by friends. (I understood why. It still sucked.) I have wondered why friends didn’t turn to me. And I am among those who wishes I could and would have done more for Trey (although I did not know him well). May we honor his memory by reaching out to those we love.
“Please know that asking for help is not easy. Giving help is not easy, and it is not reserved for those who know you best. Asking for the truest, most survival-nature of help is impossible in the best of circumstances is the hardest thing you will ever do. And giving it, even for someone you aren’t at all sure you know, is the most selfless act you can commit.” — Amber, we blogged about very similar things. I have intervened on behalf of a friend. I have been turned away by friends. (I understood why. It still sucked.) I have wondered why friends didn’t turn to me. And I am among those who wishes I could and would have done more for Trey (although I did not know him well). May we honor his memory by reaching out to those we love.
Amber, sometimes you do everything you can and it’s still not enough. There is such a need for research, treatment and understanding of this terrible disease. Amazingly, there are still people out there who think you can just “snap out of it”. You have such a gift for communication and it’s the most valuable thing that you can do now. Tell the world!
My brother attempted suicide earlier this year – some days I still wake up shaking with the memory of seeing him in hospital. My father – who was there when the attempt was made – has nightmares about it on an almost regular basis.
My brother is getting better now thankfully with lots of help and support BUT how I wish I’d asked him that day, “Are you ok?” It is a stupid question – because of course our family and friends would tell us if they weren’t. BUT they don’t.
R U OK day is on 15th September – please take the time to have a tea/coffee with someone and ask them if they’re ok. http://ruokday.com/content/home.aspx
Hi, Amber… I wrote my own response in my own blog, http://bit.ly/o0NmaU (posterous doesn’t do proer trackbacks). I have been down the same road as Trey. It’s always curious how some can get through it and some just cave under the weight. Trey apparently went to a church with a gun, and rather than surrender to police, shot himself instead.
Thanks Amber for posting this, and while we’re at it, I am so tempted to just drop the biggest F bomb ever. F the thinking that nothing can be done ever to break into the fog of clinical depression. Even, F the thinking that people are “selfish” because to be selfish, the person has to be aware of the consequences of their actions and totally ignore those consequences – at the time of suicidal action, even if there is a note left, who would consider the consequences? A colleague that committed suicide cooked a month’s worth of dinners for her family, but was that choice because she knew she wouldn’t be here, or was it just a matter of course? We will never know.
. F the thinking that the specifics of the suicide must be known – is there no dignity? With lack of dignity do we absolve our own horror and thinking that could never be… us? F the events of life that weigh so heavily on some that no other way out is seen. And multiple F the dang reality that once someone says they’re depressed, they become anethema to some people, forever shunned because of the other’s fear. I applaud you for finding ways to crack the darkness of others and to offer the light of hope, because without that compassionate action, survival is a risky proposition. I lost a friend and neighbor very recently who was similar to Trey in personality to all who knew him, and oh how I only now wish I had told him how we enjoyed seeing him every day… who would know someone so geographically close would be gone… and so soon. My heart breaks for survivors… because so often, the actual thoughts of suicide are never expressed, to anyone. May we always be the ones to whom people *want* to share themselves in their toughest times… and be a light in that ever-changing darkness…
Gina, I totally love and respect your liberal use of the F without using the F. 🙂 Thank you for your thoughtful words. They’re real, realistic, and rich with the reality of things we simply can’t fathom for ourselves sometimes. Thank you, as always, for contributing something worthwhile. I’m glad you’re here.
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I hit send too soon. Wanted to say thank-you for this. Love you my friend
I hit send too soon. Wanted to say thank-you for this. Love you my friend
Thank you for this-thank you.
When I was 13 I was pretty much near death from anorexia. While I wasn’t actively ready to commit suicide, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope it would be over soon. I was still going to school most days though. I remember one day a girl who sat me behind me put my head on the desk. I didn’t know her well at all-she was just someone who sat behind me. And she tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was ok. And genuinely looked concerned.
No one aside from a friend of mine at time had done that. And while I just told her I was ok, it really really touched me.
To this day, if someone doesn’t look ok, even if they’re a stranger on line at Shop Rite, I’ll ask if their ok.
You’re absolutely right in this post-sometimes asking and listening is THE most important thing you can do. You never know who’s life you might be saving.
This year my sister mysteriously passed away. While the cause of death is still unknown, doctors believe it was a result of her previous attempts at suicide wearing her body down.
The saddest part is that my sister had finally conquered her crippling depression and in many ways had become a huge example to me that anything is possible. It just felt so cruel that after her triumph she had to pass on without the ability to really show people it was possible.
Life is confusing and cruel at times.
My thoughts are with his family, at this terrible time. Having someone you love take their own life is extremely difficult to deal with; the anguish unbearable, the “what ifs” endless. I hope that those around his family will embrace them in love, compassion, understanding and support.
My thoughts are with his family, at this terrible time. Having someone you love take their own life is extremely difficult to deal with; the anguish unbearable, the “what ifs” endless. I hope that those around his family will embrace them in love, compassion, understanding and support.
So devastating to hear. I didn’t know Trey personally, but I followed and from the outside sure looked like everything was rosy. Another acquaintance took her own life this summer. Again…accomplished talented singer/performer who seemed like she was so happy. Depression has such a stigma. People feel weak and vulnerable and the stigma attached can be paralyzing. We need to make efforts to understand that when a body is chemically off balance that all the positive thinking and motivation in the world will likely not be enough. Thank you for writing this post Amber…people listen to you.
hey amber…i always feel a kindred spirit when i read you. and this post surely is no different. you’ve written a heartfeldt message of deep pain that we all are feeling and yet deep resolve…for all that we can do and all the more that we can and must keep growing and connecting as…an online humanity family if you will.
while circumstances behind trey’s story may never fully be known, it deeply impressed upon me the demand to know more..of eachother’s stories….
so hoping this finds us all resolving to be more deeply and genuinely connected.
grateful for you.
thank you for heeding the nudge to write…and hoping you found some hope therein.
love and friendship to you….
So sorry to hear about this, Amber. Thanks for the post.
So sorry to hear about this, Amber. Thanks for the post.
Having lost many family members, I know death has deeper music for me. Not just the temporary aspect of life, but to enjoy, accept, and live in the now.
Wow!
I never met Trey, but I enjoyed following his comments and reading his posts for the past few years.
A terrible loss. My thoughts are with him, his family and his friends.
Amber, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know that you have a mountain of support out here in the cyber world.
A terrible loss! A terrible loss!