Every single person who has shared a bit of their exciting news has run smack into the path of The Killjoy.
You’re starting a business. Getting a promotion. Having a baby. Traveling around the world. Getting married. Moving in with your boy/girl/personfriend. Pursuing a new hobby, fitness regime, eating program, parenting approach. Proclaiming your love for a new band you’ve discovered. Sharing a blog post you’re proud of. Whatever. Fill in the blank, from the mundane to the life-changing.
You know him or her. The person who says, in response to your news and often unsolicited:
“That’s great! But …”
- Here’s what I know that you should know
- Here’s how I did it too/better/more awesomely
- Here’s you ought to look out for
- Here’s why that’s too risky/not risky enough
- Been there, done that.
- Here’s how many people have tried that and failed
You get the drift.
I won’t negate the possibility that there are mostly well-meaning people out there who will tell you that their input is meant to be supportive, or helpful, or otherwise provide guidance and advice that they themselves may have found valuable once upon a time. We are humans that do thrive on affinity and find connection in shared experiences, too, in our similarities as much as our differences. That’s true enough.
We share news and adventures and discoveries with the world for a bunch of reasons. We’re proud. We want to celebrate. We want to share something that’s new and exciting to us in hopes that more people will find joy in it, too. We want to show people what’s possible. Sure, maybe we even crave a bit of affirmation and support.
The difficulty is that many people don’t have a clue how to be genuinely happy for someone else, or encourage them in an important moment without forcing in their personal commentary, opinion, or self-doubt.
It’s also true that many people warn others off – consciously or otherwise – using precisely the reasons that have scared them away from doing something that they wanted to do, or prevented them from pursuing or enjoying something of their own.
I’m guilty, too. I’ve certainly done my fair share of “That’s awesome, now let me tell you my experience”s in the past without being asked. I’ve even let my own fear of a thing tumble out in a string of words warning someone off about that thing. Shame on me, right? I’m not particularly proud of that, and when I noticed how much it hurt when people did it to me, I became so much more conscious of how and when I do it to others.
The truest definition of grace is being able to look at someone over there – doing something you want to do, feeling something you want to feel, having something you want to have – and finding happiness for their sake. Without caveats.
Behind every “should”, “ought”, “need to”, there is judgment. Behind every “Oh yeah? Here’s MY story” is the need for a bit of attention in the midst of someone else’s moment. The me-too/one-up can be well-intended (look at us having something in common!) but requires deftness and true humility to be executed well while still supporting the person in question. More often, it backfires. The tricky part?
The Killjoy can be right in the mirror.
If you’re on the other end of a statements like these, you might feel slighted or deflated, even hurt. Doubtful of your decision to share. Wondering who and what you should listen to, and when. Letting other people instill doubt in you is like a virus. It feeds on itself. Likewise with letting someone’s momentary self-centeredness derail you from a happy moment or a decision that’s important to you.
The most graceful reply you can offer is simply “Thank you so much for sharing your point of view.” With a smile. And move on. Most people mean well, or will tell you they do, and you can leave them with the benefit of the doubt for that.
But don’t give in to the Killjoy.
He’s unkind in the moments when we need to enjoy our own promise, hope, success, and happiness. We need our own joy and ideas of what could be to fuel our determination when things are bumpy. We also need to trust our own intuition sometimes and be our own champions.
I’ve learned that the greatest – and sometimes most difficult – gift that I can give to myself is to actually be happy. The greatest gift you can give someone is likely to see them happy, and be happy for them. Grace is not an easy thing, or we would all demonstrate it effortlessly. But the Killjoy can really take the wind out of someone’s sails when they need it most. Let’s make each other a promise that we’ll work hard not to be one.
Deal?
I sat next to “that guy” at a planning meeting last night for a local non-profit. Every idea that any person at the table came up with he would reply with “Well, I don’t want to poo poo on your parade…” and then come up with multiple reasons the idea would fail. I hate to admit that his attitude did wear off on me. This post came at a great time and I’ll be rereading it before our January meeting!
It’s SO HARD not to get sucked into other people’s cynicism (see me, over here, saying that because I know all about it?? :)). And I have such a hard time with the leading “Not to be a buzz kill but….”. Actually? That’s exactly what you’re about to do, and you know it!
Anyway. I actually believe most people are truly well intentioned. But daily, I observe people who write a joyous status update only to get trounced on by the naysayer or the crank in their comments. I know why we do this to people for the most part, but I still wish we wouldn’t.
Yeah, killjoys really suck the fun out of a room. I know a few myself and do what I can to avoid interacting with them. At least, I don’t bother sharing good news with them because I know they’re not going to share my happiness about it.
There’s such a fine line between being a guiding force of reason when needed, and being the person that stomps on someone’s moment. Negativity is contagious when it’s continuous, and envy can be the unfortunate guide for conversation sometimes. It’s obviously something I’m conscious of myself.
Thanks so much for a great post!
I find this most stunning when it’s advice dished out to pregnant women. It is astonishing, really, how people feel that gives them license to dish out advice. I recently witnessed one woman congratulate another on her pregnancy, and then immediately followed that with “have you heard any labor horror stories yet?” O_o
Really? Is that all you have to offer a new (first-time) mother? Oy.
My mom always said “don’t let the turkeys get you down.”
Best wishes in your endeavors, and know that those rooting you on far outweigh those with well-meaning but ultimately tone-deaf advice.
Good post Amber. I think entrepreneurs and those of us with great ideas bring this on ourselves sometimes. I think we unconsciously look for approval and advice from people who have no business giving it. I’ve put my self in this situation far too many times to count. The best thing we can do with a great idea is to protect it like a precious jewel; share it only with the most trustworthy and responsible among your peers. The wrong words at the wrong time can crush a good idea or at least stall it. If it is a situation where you are on a team, the only thing you can do is to mentally block out the killjoy. It gets easy with practice.
If you don’t mind I’m including a link to a post I put up last week about exactly who we should get advice from and who we should avoid. Hint: Don’t ask “uncle Joey”.http://www.presidentspilotsentrepreneurs.com/2011/12/what-entrepreneurs-need-to-know-about.html
A fantastic point, Derrick. Thanks so much for making it. Totally accurate, and look forward to reading your post. Appreciate your sharing it.
There
To be a man is to be responsible: to be ashamed of miseries you did not cause; to be proud of your comrades’ victories; to be aware, when setting one stone, that you are building a world.
Antoine de Saint Exupéry -Terre des Hommes (1939)
Sometimes people rain on your parade because they have no parade of their own. Great post, Amber, and perfect timing as many of us are considering new ideas for the new year.
Gotta love the negating word, “But . . .” It just evaporates everything said before it.
One reality I think is empowering to embrace is that anyone who’s done anything monumental met with resistance. Every one. Every religious pioneer, every business pioneer, every technological pioneer, on and on and on.
If you’re trying to pioneer a new front in your life or in a market, it’s a great idea to welcome everything that comes. The good and the bad is gonna come, it’s just a matter of how you embrace it and respond to it.
If you handle criticism and praise with class, it’s gonna take you a long way.
Thanks for the useful post Amber…
I do the best job I can to remove “should” and “but” from my conversations with other people…so I dont become killjoy guy……and also to ask the question “how are you going to make all that happen?” when faced with massive/blue sky/optimistic plans…
…i love listening to people get excited about their ideas 🙂
Thank you ever so for you article.Thanks Again. Really Great.
I love this post. Thank you, Amber! The world needs more of this. Let’s keep it going. I hope you like this story about how I refused to be defeated by a severely dedicated killjoy.
One of the best wrong things someone said to me was, “You need to understand that we can’t just be happy all the time!” He said this because I had exciting plans to start up an art co-op with some friends. In a few minutes I would be meeting them across town to to create, have fun, and hopefully make a few bucks. An unarguably good thing for a homeless woman trying to move up in the world. He was angry that I didn’t want to brake my plans to stay with him and listen to him tell me about more than 1,000 flaws he saw in me. I said something to him (I forgot what but I know it wasn’t “sorry”). I walked away. Kept my plans. Made art. Made money. Solidified friendships with fabulous people. He persisted in trying to bring me down by sending me 20-30 texts each day, for months, telling me I was a terrible person, and a fool for pursuing joy. This made me sad enough to cry for a few minutes, but it was all so preposterous that it actually had the opposite effect of what he wanted. My friends and I read the texts aloud to each other, laughing at the most side-splitting jokes of our lives. It was a source of entertainment. Without these good-humored people at my side to help me laugh at the lies, I would have struggled and felt sad. And joy is sometimes more pleasurable when you know someone is mad that you have it… like forbidden fruit, a dirty secret, another reason to say “nyah nah nah boo boo” to someone who won’t get their way with your mood and inspiration.
Nowadays, when a killjoy tries to kill mine, if I am alone, these friends stay in my mind to give me the strength to protect my happiness and motivation. I never deleted the texts. Not because I could use them to get a restraining order (I am no snitch), but as a reminder of my victory over someone who very badly wanted me to hurt… and the friends who fed my joy and success.
Does anyone think this would help? I know it would be funny, but could it actually work?
Here is a strategy:
-Carry a stack of cards, which are small portraits of Jean Paul Sartre, autographed by Bozo the Clown. Sartre because he’s glum. Bozo because it’s dumb to be glum.
-Every time a killjoy acts like a killjoy give him/her a card.
-Whomever receives the most cards wins the contest of who is the most persistent killjoy.
-Throw an award ceremony to decorate said killjoy with a crown, a sash, a medal, a trophy, and pet ferret to keep him/her busy.
-Everyone says something encouraging, motivational, and sincere to the killjoy about his/her good ideas. Everyone says why they are happy for the killjoy’s joys. Handshakes, hugs, kisses are optional. Round of applause is appropriate. It’s a weird award so make sure they feel special and cared for… not reprimanded.
-Serve the killjoy a giant cake with quintuple the sugar to sweeten him up. And skim milk in a paper cup. (a paper cup decorated in Sartre’s portrait?)
-Serve real cake to everyone else. Real milk. Real glass glasses. Chilled and frosty.
If anyone ever tries this, could you please film it? The first person who actually dares to do this will be my hero forever… I will give him/her a cake, batch of homemade cookies, or $20 gift certificate at his/her local supermarket. If the killjoy contacts me and says he/she will be less of a killjoy in the future, I will reward him or her with a hearty congratulations and a song. (you are my sunshine?)
C’mon guys… let’s see what happens. It’s crazy enough it might make someone think.